X-Files
Terminator 2

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Monty Ashley: B+ | Grade It Now!
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Terminator 2
After a brief standoff, Enrique and Sarah exchange some Spanish banter and a hug. Enrique calls Yolanda and some kids out of a bus, and there's a general reunion. Enrique would like to know who the big guy is, and John alleges that he's part of the family. This is going to cause some confusion, I know, but the name John gives for Arnold is Uncle Bob. I don't think I can call him that with a straight face, so I'll stick with "Arnold," if you don't mind. "Uncle Bob, huh? Okayyyy," grins Enrique, who finds the pseudonym about as convincing as I do. Enrique offers Arnold some tequila, but he's too busy standing there looking cool. That can take a lot of energy, you know. Sarah has no problem, though, grabbing the bottle and swigging away. Anyway, weird Mexican reunions aside, Sarah's just here to pick up her "stuff." In bunkers disguised below the earth, she's got quite the armory of heavy weapons. She's also changed into a black tank top and BDUs so she can try to look as cool as Arnold. She doesn't quite, though, which is why she has the presence of mind to tell Enrique that she'll be crossing the border after dark. Back in the underground weapons bunker (which I covet desperately), John is droning on about his upbringing, thinking all kids everywhere had cool concealed vaults full of enormous weapons. Speaking of which, Arnold's found a minigun, which I think is supposed to be mounted on a vehicle. He gives a fairly awkward-looking half-smile, which he must have learned from John, who gives him one right back. On John, it looks like he's too cool to smile with his whole face. On Arnold, it looks like he's flexing one of his cheek muscles. Sarah's added a cigarette and shades to her ensemble as she works on a rifle. Arnold works on their new truck while John goes on and on about his mother's various squeezes. Apparently, when she'd start talking about Judgment Day and that her kid was destined to be a world leader, the men would sneak out. Just like a man. Am I right, ladies? Huh? Can I get a -- okay, I'm kind of making myself sick over here. Let's skip it. Oh god. Arnold has just asked, "Why do you cry?" That's all we need here -- another robot with a Pinocchio complex. John doesn't have any deep explanation for the general process of pain. And then we move on to John teaching Arnold to "gimme five." All I'm saying is that I prefer those parts of the movie that aren't The Story of an Annoying Kid and his Pet Robot Killing Machine. Sarah watches the festivities and starts to voice-over that a Terminator would always protect John, never get drunk, never hit him, and always be there. And it would die to protect him: "Of all the would-be fathers who came and went over the years, this thing, this machine was the only one who measured up. In an insane world, it was the sanest choice." You know what a better choice would have been? Changing the kid's name. Seriously. Tell him he can change his name to "John Connor" at eighteen, but until then his name is "Benvolio Johnson." And then the Terminators would never find him. See? Much saner than deciding that the unstoppable killing machine would make a nice dad.

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