X-Files

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The Truth, Part I

First and foremost, it has been a pleasure. My great thanks to all of you readers, for listening to me yammer for the past few years. Giant thanks also go to Wing Chun, for giving me this gig and for being a top-notch editor and a generally delightful individual. ["All lies." -- Wing Chun]

Yeah, so I come home from work yesterday and find that the Mulder action figure has Britney Spears in a headlock. "Give her back!" he yelps. "Get her yourself," Britney grits. "I don't know where she is!" the Mulder retorts. At this, the Scully action figure drags herself out from underneath the bookshelf with her forearms. She's missing a foot. She crawls toward them, one centimeter at a time. I've got a two-hour episode to recap, so I pick her up and place her in front of the Mulder and the Britney. "Where the hell were you?" the Mulder yells. "Where have you been for the last two years?" she yells back, tossing her head at the TV screen. "Have you been watching this crap? You're just...gone! I had to give the kid up to some freaks in the middle of nowhere! We sat through an hour about the goddamned Brady Bunch! Is it any wonder that I decided it might be more fun to run around in a red pleather suit singing pop songs? And Britney needed me!" she finishes. "My loneliness was killing me," Britney sobs in explanation. "You're coming back, though, right?" the Mulder asks. "Because I love you. And it's the finale. We have to watch it together. It's the end! It's over. After this, we're nothing more than television history. We can't go through that alone! We've come this far together, Scully." The Scully just looks at him. "Oh, crap," I say. "I told you, I've got two hours of talky mytharc to recap and I don't have time for the two of you. You're both utterly dysfunctional and obviously incapable of even meeting anyone else who could possibly handle your multiple neuroses. Besides, there's that whole 'meant to be' thing. So kiss, make up, and let's get down to business." The Scully looks at Britney. She nods at both of them. "I must confess, I still believe," Britney says. "So do I," the Scully exhales in a little plastic puff. "At least, I want to."

According to the Manly Announcer Guy, "The truth is finally here." And I guess since this episode is named "The Truth," he's technically correct.

And we dive right into it! A helicopter circles a wooded area as Mark Snow really kicks out the jams on the old drum machine. This tune is called, "I Only Have Two Hours Left And I Need To Get My Money's Worth With This Drum Machine Because It Was Pricey And Chris Said If I Didn't Use It More, He'd Take The Money Out of My Salary." The chopper circles the greenery, then lands in front of a facility built out of the side of the mountain, which is identified as the "Mount Weather Complex" in Bluemont, Virginia. A military guy trots over to the helicopter and pops the door open. Suits start hopping to the ground, none of whom I recognize. We don't see the last man's face, but he's got a little spring in his step and is wearing a lovely cornflower blue shirt. We pan up to watch Mulder taking in the complex, a slightly satisfied expression on his pretty, pretty face. He falls in line with the rest of the suits, following them onto an army-green bus that drives deep into the heart of the facility (right in the middle of the mountain), where it drops them off. While an official-looking military-type guy kicks off the glad-handing with the rest of the suits, Mulder backs away from the crowd and, with a quick look around to make sure that no one's watching, runs off in the other direction. He runs through an empty tunnel, stopping only to make sure no one's following him.

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X-Files

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