MONDO EXTRAS

Finally, Moronica and the Tramps arrive at the dance studio. The Tramps giggle and run inside. They're seriously dressed like whores. I'm not even exaggerating: Tramp #2 is wearing hot pants, a cropped top, and cowboy boots. Unless you're in the employ of the Dallas Cowboys cheerleading squad, that outfit is just wrong. See, but while the Tramps could easily be picked up for solicitation and taken downtown, Moronica is wearing a gray long-sleeved top and sweatpants. Because she's conservative. And uptight. And not likely to unbutton her blouse at stop lights. Or use the word "boobies." Before she follows her friends into the studio, though, Moronica stops to take some photographs of the moon. Because she's an artist inside. A sensitive, conservative, artist. With a lusty, spicy side, just aching to get out! To be released...by the power of salsa!

Inside, Matt is waiting for them. "Circus in town?" he asks the Tramps as they giggle past him. He greets Moronica half-heartedly when she finally drifts into the studio. Matt and Moronica eventually catch up with Tramps and the rest of the beginning students, and watch the end of some kind of dance practice or advanced lesson taking place in their classroom. Mango and the advanced dancers grind around the floor. Moronica looks impressed and entranced. Entranced by the dance! Matt just looks disgusted. The Tramps look orgasmic. Dancing. Staring. Dancing. Panting. Dancing. Moronica stares at Mango, who's partnered with the same woman with whom he was dancing in the promotional video; she's a tall, manly-looking chick. At long last, the dance ends, and Mango flings Man-Woman away from him. She tosses her hair. "I didn't feel a thing from you!" she barks. "You finally noticed," Mango snips, and stalks away from her. Hey, this is just like the beginning of Strictly Ballroom. With salsa, instead of ballroom dancing. And without the charm. Or all those Australians. Anyway, the Fiery Latin Bickering -- because, you know, Latinos are fiery! They're emotional! They're passionate! -- eventually flickers out. The beginning dancers are welcomed to the studio by an older man, Ernesto, who is their instructor. Tramp #1 rudely wonders why Mango's not going to teach them. Ernesto wisely ignores her. I would have smacked her and kicked her out of my classroom. That's why I don't teach dance. Also, I'm uncoordinated.

And so they dance. Poorly. Shocking no one, Moronica and Matt suck. They have no rhythm! The have no fire! They have no passion! Ernesto talks about trusting one's partner, and spouts all kinds of dance-equals-life-type metaphors, and then takes Moronica away from Matt in order to demonstrate a move. Moronica steps on Ernesto's foot, and they bang heads. Ernesto rubs his scalp and puts Moronica back together with Matt, who is becoming more soulless and more salsa-free with each moment. "To truly let go, the woman must trust her partner. She must have confidence to surrender to the man," Ernesto intones. Surrender! To the man! To the dance!