X-Files
The Way She Moves

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The Way She Moves
You know how some movies start out well, and then descend into the cheese? They lull you into a false sense of security, and you start to think that maybe you've tuned into something really worth watching, and then they smack you in the face with a big old block of cheddar? Yeah, well, this movie is the opposite of that. It leads with the cheese. It wears the cheese on its sleeve. The actors were paid in Camembert, and the sets were constructed from Swiss. The better to chew, you see. Anyway, we open with this insistent bongo music, and several elaborately sequined asses, grinding and shaking all over my television screen. Men and women salsa frantically, grinding their crotches into each other and bending one another over backwards. Maybe I'm getting old, but that just looks uncomfortable. We pull back from all the grinding to reveal that this is a video being watched by two women, both of whom are dressed far too provocatively for the office. They squeal as the lead dancer in the video thrusts his pelvis into the camera. These girls think he's the bee's knees, but he reminds me of nothing so much as Mango, the Chris Kattan character on Saturday Night Live -- you know, the male exotic dancer with the gold lamé hot pants who slaps his ass all the time. The women's squeals are interrupted when a co-worker walks into the room, loaded down with papers and folders and all dressed in beige and pearls and conservative shoes. It's Annabeth Gish, but even though her name in this flick is, like, Annie or Amie, or something, I'm still going to refer to her as Moronica, like I do in the X-Files recaps, okay? Moronica looks at the television, where Mango is bending his partner in two. "Ouch. Is that even possible?" Moronica wonders. "Sister, he can bend me anyway he wants," Tramp #2 purrs. Moronica agrees that Mango is, indeed, spicy, but wonders whether he's the type you can "take him home to Mama." Tramp #1 hands Moronica a gift certificate and tells her to "find out." Moronica furrows her brow. "Salsa lessons?" she wonders. The Tramps dub it an "early wedding gift" and promise they'll go with her. Okay, to recap: Mango is a hot sexy salsa dancing freak. Moronica is buttoned-up and conservative and engaged. Her co-workers are trampy. Moving on. Moronica looks at the piece of paper and demurs. "Only two months until your wedding night. Gotta loosen you and Jason up," Tramp #1 giggles. "Get ready to shake it," Tramp #2 says, leaving Moronica with a pat. Alone, Moronica stares at Mango. She's not ready to accept it, but his wiggling booty and swinging pelvis have hypnotized her! She cannot resist the fiery temptations of salsa!

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X-Files

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