Episode Report CardJessica: C- | Grade It Now!
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Cut to a lush estate with a huge pool. Fiancé Jason lounges in said pool, admiring his own pecs and rubbing his wet athletic thighs. Fiancé Jason is played by the guy who was Kelly's ill-fated fiancé Matt on 90210. I guess this guy specializes in ill-fated fiancés. Whoops! Did I give something away there? Anyway, Matt's not all fired up about these salsa lessons. He's a rich, good-looking WASP-y type, and therefore, he hates to dance. He has no dance inside him! No fire! No passion! He calls Moronica "babe"! He is what we old people used to refer to as "a yuppie." Moronica reminds him that the lessons were a gift, and tentatively suggests that they might be fun. Matt sneers that Moronica's not the dancing type, because she's always "hiding behind her camera." Moronica still wants to give it a shot. Finally, Matt reluctantly agrees, then gets up and tries to talk her into knocking boots in his parents' house. "They're gone," he points out, dripping all over her. Water, people. Get your minds out of the gutter. Moronica sighs that she'd feel funny having sex in his parents' house. "Your loss," Matt shrugs, and jogs off. Cut to a less lavish estate. Okay, it's not actually an estate at all. It's a just a fairly large house where Moronica is sitting down for a meal with her mother and brother. Her mom is very negative about the salsa lessons, although I can't figure out why she'd even care. It's not like Moronica and Matt have decided to shave their heads bald and become Hari Krishnas. All Moronica's Mom wants to talk about is the upcoming wedding. Moronica is sick of talking about her nuptials to Soulless, Salsa-Free Matt. That's really all you need to know. Oh, also, Moronica's brother is a fireman. Make a note of that. It's important later, although, sadly, nothing catches on fire. Except Moronica's passion for the dance! So, Moronica drives the Tramps to their salsa lesson, and patiently listens as the Tramps chatter about how rich Evil, Self-Absorbed Matt is. "You must have loved hearing those three words," Tramp #1 says. "'I love you'?" Moronica asks. "'Trust fund baby,'" Tramp #1 replies. The Tramps giggle. Moronica rolls her eyes as she stops the car at a red light. Then, for no reason whatsoever, the Tramps take off their tops and flash their breasts at the man in the car next to them. Moronica shakes her head. I have no idea what just happened there. Finally, Moronica and the Tramps arrive at the dance studio. The Tramps giggle and run inside. They're seriously dressed like whores. I'm not even exaggerating: Tramp #2 is wearing hot pants, a cropped top, and cowboy boots. Unless you're in the employ of the Dallas Cowboys cheerleading squad, that outfit is just wrong. See, but while the Tramps could easily be picked up for solicitation and taken downtown, Moronica is wearing a gray long-sleeved top and sweatpants. Because she's conservative. And uptight. And not likely to unbutton her blouse at stop lights. Or use the word "boobies." Before she follows her friends into the studio, though, Moronica stops to take some photographs of the moon. Because she's an artist inside. A sensitive, conservative, artist. With a lusty, spicy side, just aching to get out! To be released...by the power of salsa!