Episode Report CardJessica: C- | Grade It Now!
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Over at the Uptight WASP Church of Houston, Matt and Moronica discuss wedding vows with their minister. Moronica enthusiastically explains that she wants them to write their own vows. Matt doesn't care what they do. "What do you want?" the minister asks him. "Just for it to be over, I guess," Matt says. That is so romantic! Outside the church, Moronica asks Matt whether he wants to call off the wedding. He doesn't. He just has other things on his mind, he says. For instance, he got that big job in New York, and he needs to find them an apartment. Moronica is flabbergasted that Matt took the gig without even telling her, much less discussing it with her. What about her job? What about the salsa? Matt dismissively tells her that she doesn't have to work anymore. Moronica mutters that she wants to work. Matt doesn't even seem to hear her, but just tells her that they're leaving for New York in a couple of days, and then they can come back for the wedding. And he walks away. Moronica looks peeved. No wonder she left this dude and joined the FBI. We whirl over to Moronica's dancing lessons. She asks Mango why he "loves dance so much." He swivels his hips and says that it's the "second best form of non-verbal communication on the planet." Moronica rhythmlessly stomps her feet. "What's the first?" she wonders. "You have to ask?" Mango leers. Moronica blushes. Mango tells her that she's getting better, and they get to talking about the upcoming Festival of Dance. According to Mango, it's a contest held during Cinco de Mayo, blah blah blah the winners go to the world championships in Puerto Rico. Mango wants Moronica to attend. She can't; she has "something else" that day: her ill-fated wedding to Pole-Up-the-Ass Matt. Soon, the lesson concludes; Moronica gathers her stuff and takes off. "Don't forget to breathe," she calls to him. After she leaves, Mango spins dramatically and with much salsa flava. Mango's Night at the Club for Salsa Dancing and Engagement Breaking. Mango and Moronica dance! They dance and dance! Moronica? Still has no rhythm. Man-Woman jealously watches as Mango twirls Moronica around. The crowd applauds when Mambo and Moronica conclude their routine, and Mango announces that Moronica has only been studying dance for the past two weeks. Moronica blushes. After the lesson, Moronica and Mango go out into the parking lot to stare into each other's eyes. She leans against a car and tells him that "everything is moving so fast, [her] head is spinning." Mango makes some weird analogy to kids and spinning and anti-gravity and flying and something. I think it's supposed to be romantic. Moronica says she already has...something. This conversation is very confusing. I have no idea what they're talking about. I do know that it's supposed to be all sexy. Then Mango kisses her. And the shot of the kiss is way too close. It's almost out of focus, it's so close. I can count the hairs in Mango's nostrils. Finally, Moronica and Mango part. "I gotta go," Moronica says, and bolts. Mango sighs and shakes his head as Moronica runs from him. The Minor Note of Spurned Latin Lovers thwangs in the background.