Episode Report Card
Jessica: B | Grade It Now!
Can This Be Happening?

Theresa's Room of Pain. As the agents file in, Desai spits that the patient shouldn't even be alive. Scully glides over to the bed and gazes down at poor Theresa, who truly does look like hell, what with all these holes drilled through her cheeks, and a black eye, and various and sundry contusions. Desai runs down Theresa's injuries, which correspond with what we've seen Mulder suffering up in the Dental Chair of Death: tissue damage inside her cheeks, her chest cut into and organ tissue scooped out, soft palate damage. Scully's lower lip quivers. Almost hesitantly, she asks if Theresa has any, er, "foreign objects" implanted anywhere in her body. Desai is all like, "no, Freakshow. Aren't the holes drilled through her cheeks enough for you people?" Scully gazes at Theresa some more, as this really hot police officer comes to the door with a report for Doggett. Doggett barely gives Hot Police Officer the time of day, diving into the report tout de suite, but Skinner gives him the old once-over. As do I. I love you, Hot Police Officer! Come on over here and pat me down! Ahem, sorry about that. Doggett looks up from the paperwork and announces that they have a suspect.

Skinner, Scully and Doggett head over to a local motel to pay Little Richie a little visit. Richie immediately recognizes Scully, whose hair suddenly looks much better. She must have leaned over and shook it out sometime between now and the hospital. Thank God. Doggett wanders through the motel room, paying special attention to the wall over the bed, which is papered with UFO photographs and newspaper clippings. "Why are you in Montana if you're from Oregon?" he wonders. Richie sputters in his hopped-up-on-Sweet Tarts-and-Pepsi way that his "buddy" Gary was abducted right before Mulder was, and he's been looking for him this whole time. Concentrating on saving his friend. Not even taking time out to, you know, visit the world's largest block of cheese or investigate a bunch of freaks who believe that Jesus has returned to earth in the form of a freaking banana slug. He explains that he's tracked the UFO across the country, following news reports and visiting internet chats rooms to talk to fellow alien enthusiasts. And he's followed the ship here. Doggett, Skinner, and Scully listen to this litany open-mouthed. Yeah, y'all got shown up by a dorky kid from Oregon with nothing but a TV and his computer. Good work with all that. Maybe if you didn't waste your time investigating people that climb up other people's butts, Mulder wouldn't still be off getting his cheeks ripped apart by little metal claws of death! Anyway, Richie snuffles about how sorry he feels about poor Theresa, and how he never expected to find her there in the field, all hanging to life by a thread and whatnot. Doggett asks Richie about the "alien" he claims to have seen and wonders if perhaps the "alien" was actually just a man. Because they found footprints made by a pair of size 9 1/2 Nikes in the field. "Ever heard of an alien in Nikes?" Doggett sneers. Richie considers this, and agrees that, no, generally aliens prefer Adidas. "But what about the space ship?" he asks. Doggett doesn't respond, other than by furrowing his manly brow and stomping out of the room. Good comeback, J-Dawg.

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