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Jessica: B | Grade It Now!
Can This Be Happening?

The threesome approach Monica, who turns around, flashes the world's largest closed-mouth smile, and then exhales a bunch of cigarette smoke in their faces. Classy. "Hi!" she says. Skinner and Scully say nothing. Nor do they smile in return. Monica drops her cancer stick and grinds it out with a cheap-looking loafer. She's wearing Scully's old hair and it doesn't work on her head. Don't even try to bring the hair, Monica. Scully can take you on with dirty bedhead and still win that battle. "I know it's not very FBI of me, but I'm really trying to quit," she twitters. Skinner and Scully are all, like, whatever. Monica gulps and continues, explaining that Doggett's been "taking [her] through the case. Interesting!" She crosses her arms, smiles, and nods. "Interesting?" Scully eyebrows. "What do you think happened?" Monica perkily inquires. Dude, she bugs. She's both perky and patronizing, my two least favorite personality traits. Scully, my girlfriend, directs an incredibly dirty glare in Monica's direction. "Isn't that what you're here to tell us?" she asks, dryly. Monica explains that she "has [her] own thoughts," but that it's important to get Scully's thoughts as well, bearing in mind "what we think happened and what actually happened aren't exactly the same thing. But not altogether insignificant either." Scully cracks that this feels like therapy. Monica doesn't respond to that, but condescendingly continues her litany of psychobabble. "What happened being different from what we want to have happened," she finishes. First, that makes no sense. Second, she doesn't even speak in complete sentences. "What who wants to have happened?" asks Scully, who doesn't seem to be following Monica any better than I am. She shoots Monica yet another nasty look, this one very clearly communicating that, should she so desire, Scully could kick the shit out of Monica, physically and intellectually, and that if Monica values her health, she won't even try Scully's patience. "Well, I'm told this case involves you," Monica simpers patronizingly, as though Scully were three years old. "It may involve someone close to me. Can we stick to the facts, please?" Scully icily retorts. Monica throws Doggett a "someone got up on the wrong side of the bed" glance, before commenting that Theresa was dropped in the field by someone who cared enough about her not to kill her. Scully wonders whether Monica is aware of the "peculiar nature" of Theresa's injures. Monica crosses her arms and smirks, before commenting that the injures are indeed peculiar, but not "crazy for ritual cult abuses." See what I mean about her not quite making sense? The words that are coming out of her mouth are English, and I understand them, but not in that order. Scully tersely reminds Monica that they're "talking about abductions here."

Doggett senses that this is about to get ugly and walks over to stand between Skinner and Scully, and Monica. Monica smiles and states that she tries to "stay open." Insert your own "Monica" joke here, part the first. Scully does not smile, although she does give Doggett a rather withering glance before wondering aloud what Monica actually thinks did happen. Monica hesitantly comments that those abducted were "true believers." Skinner scoffs that if she's talking about people staging their own abductions....he trails off, but I think the end of that sentence is "I'll kick your ass." Monica opens her eyes very wide. "No, it's about people coming together as a group," she prissily snips. Scully just stares at her. I don't know if it's the lighting in this scene, or her flattering dark blue turtleneck, but Gillian Anderson looks just beautiful in this scene, so beautiful that I'd feel bad for Annabeth Gish if I didn't already hate Monica so much that I wish a great big anvil would fall on her head and kill her on the spot. "You're basically saying that Agent Mulder has joined some kind of UFO cult?" Scully asks. Monica smiles all tight-lipped and tosses her lesser hair. "Call it a group," she says. Even Doggett has joined in the chorus of Disbelieving Stares at this point. Skinner is about ready to smack Monica about the head, I think. Scully closes her eyes in disgust, as Monica starts yammering about "the whole Heaven's Gate thing." I think she is trying to say that Mulder's run off to be part of a whack-ass UFO religious cult, but, again, she speaks very circuitously, and I can't be entirely sure. "I see," Scully breathes, exasperated. Doggett turns to look at her. His eyes are blindingly blue all of a sudden. It's rather amazing. "It makes sense," he almost pleads. The cult left Theresa to die, but she didn't, so they had to come back and kidnap her to prevent her revealing their existence. Skinner is totally disgusted by Doggett's theory. Their love is dead! "If we find [the guy who arranged for Theresa's "transfer"], maybe we find Mulder," Doggett finishes. Scully wonders whether Doggett is really asking her to believe that Mulder ran off to join some cult. "No, that's not what I said," Monica jumps in. Scully's eyes flicker over to her briefly, like, I wasn't talking to you, bitch. "I don't think he left her to die. I don't think she's dead," Monica continues. Coldly and calmly, Scully asks Monica what she's basing this whole "not dead" theory on. Monica smiles for the millionth time, very widely. "Nothing, really! It's just a feeling." Proud smile. Big nod. And Scully walks away without a single word. That's my good girl. Monica shoots Skinner a tight little smirk, as Doggett runs after his partner.

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