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Jessica: B | Grade It Now!
Can This Be Happening?

Doggett catches up with Scully down at the bottom of the hill. "It makes some kind of sense," he pleads. "I'm glad you agree with her, Agent Doggett," Scully says tightly, before she reminds him that he and Monica haven't even addressed the fact that the doctor who released Theresa was apparently in two places at once. Doggett's eyes are so blue, they're actually burning a hole through my face. "If you tell me this is another alien bounty hunter, this is where we part company," he tells her firmly. "Okay, if you tell me that you didn't get vomited up alive by a soul-eating shaman after being shot dead, I won't," Scully retorts. Just kidding. Actually, she just sighs. "Enjoy your new company," she says, and walks away.

Farmhouse in the Middle of Nowhere. Absalom -- the guy who looks like Jeremiah Smith, but who is not Jeremiah Smith, but who also looks familiar, although I can't remember why, because all the past episodes of this show have just melted inside my brain into one large heaving soggy mess -- enters the farmhouse, where he finds Jeremiah Smith a-layin' his hands on Theresa Hosie and a healin' her. Nifty. I burned my finger making cookies; can he take a look at that? Absalom makes the patented X-Files Look of Amazement in the Face of a Phenomenon Unexplained By Science, and, Yet, Real. Jeremiah shoots him a shit-eating grin.

Hospital set. Scully, minding her own business, runs into Monica AnnoyingPants looking at head CTs in the film room. Scully cautiously greets Monica and instantly regrets it, as Monica starts prattling that she wanted to take a look at Theresa's films. Scully walks deliberately into the room and shuts the door firmly. I pray that this means she's about to open a can of whoop-ass. Sadly, because there is not enough money in the X-Files budget to cover whoop-ass, she does not. Instead, she very coldly asks whether Monica is looking for something in particular. She's the medical doctor on this show, after all. "Implants! Or signs of them!" Monica chirps. "Implants?" Scully eyebrows. Monica explains in great detail the whole metal-implant-in-the-nasal-cavity theory. "Yeah, I'm well aware of how they work," Scully comments dryly. Monica makes a superficially shocked face. Scully wonders why Monica is looking for something so traditionally associated with alien abductions, since Monica is "a disbeliever in that phenomenon." "I'm not a disbeliever," Monica says. Scully looks at her warily. But, see, Monica understands where Scully's "confusion" is coming from. She explains that just because she doesn't believe that this particular case has anything to do with an abduction scenario, it doesn't mean that she doesn't believe in the phenomenon as a whole. "You believe in extra-terrestrials?" Scully asks. Monica laughs and switches off the x-ray viewer. "Let's just say I don't not believe. As I said, I try to stay open." Yeah, "I Want to Not Not Believe" will make a great season nine motto. I can't wait until this show is just Doggett and Monica and I won't have anyone left to feel loyalty or affection for (except, perhaps, Skinner), and I can really just unleash my fists of fury on these fools. And then I'll die tragically because the show will be so horrible by that point that I will suddenly start mindlessly stabbing myself in the jugular vein over and over again, with the vague hope that maybe, if I nick the vein, I'll exsanguinate right there here on the sofa and escape from Monica and her perky smile and her poseur hairdo. Scully makes a face. "What is it you specialize in?" she asks. "Satanic ritual abuse. Or, I should say, claims of it. We never found any hard evidence." Huge eyebrow. "We should talk sometime," Scully comments dryly. Monica takes this moment to pity party that she was the black sheep "at the field office in New Orleans" because of her "beliefs." Yeah, because if any place in America is known for not buying into unusual beliefs or religions, it's New Freaking Orleans. Except, the opposite of that. "What beliefs are those?" Scully wonders, looking Monica up and down. Monica is, I think, a bit scared of Scully. "I just have certain spiritual notions," she says both lamely and smugly, and expands by explaining that she believes in "energies" which exist within the universe, and that while she knows it sounds "cosmic," she believes she's "sensitive" to these energies. I wonder if Monica is sensitive to a particular energy I'm currently feeling, which is that she sucks. Eyebrow Extraordinaire. "And do you have any 'feelings' about Agent Mulder?" Scully asks. Monica thinks about it, and perkily shakes her head. "I don't know Agent Mulder, and I don't have any feelings about him. But I do feel your fear. And that's not going to help you find him. Or anyone else. Maybe you can try to stay open too," she advises. ["Uh, thanks for that, Counsellor Troi." -- Wing Chun] Scully narrows her eyes, ratchets off a series of minor eyebrows, gulps, and gives the tiniest of nods. Cue the Sad Violins of Being So Desperate to Find One's Partner that One Would Take Advice From Monica PoofyHairStealer Seriously. Monica tips taps down the hall, leaving Scully to blink sadly, all alone.

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