Okay, so thank God for backup VCRs, because somehow I taped Ally McBeal. Big props to C for saving my ass. And that's why this recap is on the late side. Sorry about that. Also, a big shout-to the forums, because we've had some very interesting discussions the past two weeks. Anyway, last week on The X Files, Mulder got buried and then dug up again and now he's alive. Alive! Also, there was something to do with aliens, or something. But that's just crazy talk -- everyone knows there's no such thing as aliens! Silly conspiracy theorists.
Washington D.C. 6:44 PM. Generic White Guy approaches the fence surrounding the White House. He lurks furtively for a moment, and then jumps the fence and almost makes it to the front door before being surrounded by the Secret Service. As if, people. I don't even think you get to stand on the White House side of the street anymore. But, whatever. GWG is soon surrounded by loud, gun-toting guys in bulletproof vests. He throws his arms in the air and waves them around like he just don't care. Then he plaintively protests that he merely wants to give the President something. The head guard guy lowers his gun and tells GWG that he should have just said so! They hug, and then the First Lady comes to the door with a plate of cookies and welcomes him inside. Oh, except for the fact that they actually wrestle him to the ground and thrust their guns in his face. "Look, he needs to know! The aliens are taking over the United States!" GWG begins to take a gun out of his waistband, and shoots himself in the stomach. Uh, good plan, brainiac. The guards make disgusted noises, as GWG screws up his face all tearfully and hands a CD-ROM disc to the head guard. "Give it to the President," he moans. Then he drops dead. Inscribed on the disc in black sharpie are the words "Fight the Future." "Hey, I saw that movie," the head guard guy mutters. Man, I was so stoked when the movie came out, back when I felt like the plot on this show was actually moving toward some kind of revelation instead of just in concentric circles of pain and confusion. The action figures and I were so happy then. We had direction. We had purpose. We even had little plastic flashlights and cell phones, neither of which we can find now. Our lives are in shambles, people!
Mark Snow kicks out the jams with that bitching theme song!
We will never get out of this damn hospital. Mulder's sitting in a lone little chair, feeling his face and looking sad. He flashes back to his stint at the Worst Dentist in the Universe. More feeling of scars. More flashbackery. More melancholy glances at nothing. Poor Mulder. On Passions, Sheridan really bounced back from being dead very well, but she had shirtless hottie Luis Lopez-Fitzgerald feeding her strawberries. I mean, Scully's been very helpful, but I think Mulder might appreciate her removing her blouse to feed him fruit. It worked on Passions. Enter Scully and Dr. Nameless No Name. Mulder turns to the door, putting on a brave face for his partner. He smirks softly, and tells her that "for a guy who was in a coffin not very long ago," he's doing "pretty damn good." Scully looks around and hesitantly breathes that she has some news for him, and that he might want to sit down for it. "Uh oh," Mulder says, sliding back into his Plastic Chair of Doom 'n' Gloom. But Scully tells him that she has "miraculous" news. Her hair, by the way, is looking very season seven. I wonder whether Gillian Anderson's sympathetic hairdresser has abandoned her; running off to rub jar after jar of gel into David Duchovny's head, laughing at his dry witticisms and pretending to understand what he's talking about when he starts explaining the thesis he was working on before he dropped out of his PhD. program to act, and leaving Gillian to wait and wait and wait and wait for a little attention, leafing idly through The National Enquirer, her tea growing colder and colder and her hair getting flatter and flatter. It's shameful! He's supposed to look bedraggled! Anyway, Scully explains that Mulder's mysterious and stupid-ass brain disease is just as mysteriously and stupid-assily gone. Totally gone! He's virus free! His brain is all normal again! "Mulder, you are in perfect health," Scully breathes. "Wow," Mulder says. Scully looks sort of happy and sort of in shock and totally moony. Mulder makes an Austin Powers joke. He and Scully smile tensely.