X-Files

Episode Report Card
Jessica: B+ | 2 USERS: A+
YOU GRADE IT
Triangle

...where Captain Irish promptly punches Mulder in the face. "Friend, or foe?" he asks. Mulder doesn't get it. "To what flag do you pledge alliance?" Captain Irish bellows. "I think there's been a mistake," Mulder says. "I think the mistake is mine." Captain Irish smacks him again. Oh, Mulder. How easy would it be to just answer the question and explain that you're an American? Even if you don't get the whole Whoops, I've Been Transported Backwards In Time thing that's clearly going on, it's pretty obvious that these guys are really, really invested in your not being German. So explain that part and maybe they'll stop decking you. Eventually, Mulder finally -- sort of -- gets it, and starts yelping that this is the Queen Anne and he's come looking for it and can't you see that there's been, like, a tear in the space/time continuum and before you know it, all the sailors have their knives out and they're waving them at his jugular. Mulder shouts out their navigational position. "How would I know that if I'd been in the water?" he asks. Captain Irish agrees that this is a very good question and growls he's waiting for the answer. Mulder? He thinks you know that because you're a Nazi spy. Please get with the program. Instead, Mulder sputters about the Devil's Triangle and how it makes navigating a big pain in the ass and how the sailors must be caught in "some kind of time warp, some kind of limbo dimension, and now [they've] popped out on the other side in 1998." Oh, that'll convince them to listen to you. How is it that Mulder's not dead yet? I'm just saying. And I don't mean just in this episode. I mean in general. "1998!" "This man is mad! Mad, I tell you!" "Let him tell it to the fishes!" the sailors all crow in their very not authentic accents. I think Chris Carter -- who did a bang-up job directing this episode -- pulled all his dialogue out of Like, Totally, Dude: Verbal Shortcuts to Flesh Out Poorly Drawn Characters, Volume Three (Nazis, Jamaicans, and the English).

Captain Irish tells Mulder that he's "done fooling around." He gets right up in Mulder's face. "There's a war on, man, and I don't intend to lose me mind or me ship to the likes of a jackal like you!" he says. Mulder continues to insist that no, seriously, everything is fine! No war! The war is over! Oh, Mulder. Mulder, Mulder, Mulder. You can't even consider the fact that maybe the person who popped out on the other side of that limbo dimension thing you were talking about is you? "There's a little trouble at our White House, but that'll blow over. So to speak," Mulder cracks. Dude, Monica Lewinsky blowjob jokes are so 1998. Oh, right. "Peace?" Captain Irish bellows. "It's September 3, 1939, man! Hitler's entered Poland, and we've just been boarded by some of his goose-stepping hooligans! Don't speak to me of peace, laddie. Tell Mother England!" Wow, these lines look really bad all written out on paper. Mulder appears utterly thrilled by this turn of events and insists that it's really November 16, 1998. He waves his watch in Captain Irish's face. Captain Irish is about ready to smack Mulder across the face again when another sailor type guy walks in and informs Captain Irish that the "Germans have taken control of the bridge. They're steering a course for their homeland." Damn those Nazis! Damn them! All of the other sailors adjust their jaunty British berets and look perturbed. "Not on the watch of Captain Yip Harburg, they're not!" Captain Irish blusters. He straightens his necktie and glares over at Mulder, and then instructs his men to lock Mulder in the office. They all race out to check on what the Nazis are up to. "It's okay! The war's over! Let them take you to Germany! They make nice cars there!" Mulder calls after them. Great line to spin to the English, circa 1939, dude. Even if they only think it's 1939.

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X-Files

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