Episode Report Card
Jessica: C+ | 3 USERS: B-

Jesus. I'm so sick of this "I'm Surprised There's Something Wrong With my Son" routine. Let's look at the facts, folks: Scully is a medical doctor. Scully worked on the X-Files for many, many years, and in that capacity came into almost constant contact with shady folks whom she knows full well have the means and ways to fiddle with the health of others, since, you know, they almost killed her. And her other biological child? That blonde one? Whom no one remembers? Also had some wacko health issues, if I recall correctly. Connect the dots. Finally: a bunch of unstoppable Super-Soldiers showed up to watch the kid's birth. And it wasn't just because they were in the area. Dearest Dana: News flash! Something's wrong with your baby! Now, get your gun, grab your laptop, and go and fix it! Because I don't know who this sniveling emotional wreck is, but it's not Scully. I mean, sure, for a while, she's mopey. Fine. But two entire years? Jesus H. Christ, woman! Get a hold of yourself and call the Lone Gunmen and act like the federal agent/ doctor/ kick-ass woman that you are! GOD! MY GOOD GOD! All right. I feel better.

Moving on. It turns out that Mr. Mallory and his NSA cronies know virtually everything about Scully, Doggett, and Moronica. The three musketeers look somewhat dismayed by this information. Cue a little more hot slack-jaw action, as Mr. Mallory reminds Scully and the viewing audience about William's telekinetic powers. Apparently, little Joy Mallory can perform the same party trick. "So, you've been looking in this apartment with what, cameras?" Moronica asks. No, Moronica, they're using empty rolls of toilet paper as telescopes. Bliddly blah blah, Mr. Mallory noticed all this stuff whilst surveilling Scully, and he told his boss, and his boss looked into it, and he "learned things about a Super-Solider program. Things he won't tell [them]. Crimes, he said, against innocent people." "What does he want with Mulder?" Scully says, through her slack jaw. "Mulder's the only one capable of making the connections, he says," Mr. Mallory explains. I'm not sure I understand that reason. Is Mr. Mallory saying that the rest of them are too stupid? Mallory babbles that she wants "to find out the truth. About what [their] babies really are." She sniffs.

It is at this point that the phone rings. And it's Shadowman. Who's really Special Agent Darius Michaud, now that I can see his entire face! He was blown up in Dallas in the first fifteen minutes of Fight the Future! He's dead! He's supposed to be dead! And, apparently, he's also been listening in on their conversation. "You ever heard of the Constitution?" Scully asks him tearfully. That's just a weak argument, since everyone has heard of the Constitution. "It's what allows foreign terrorists to live here and enjoy the American dream, until the time comes to destroy it," Michaud says. Yeah, good point! Damn those foreigners! Damn them! That's an incredibly stupid line, which I'm sure was inserted in the wake of September 11th, and I'm not sure what point it serves. Are we supposed to be all, "yeah! Screw the Constitution," or something? Or are we supposed to be all, "Michaud's awfully dumb. The Constitution doesn't really mention foreigners at all"? Or what? At any rate, Michaud watches Scully via a surveillance camera (that must be mounted somewhere in her living room), and tells her that his "trespasses are the least of [her] concerns, after what they've done to [her] and Mulder." And he'd be happy to tell Agent Mulder what "they" plan to do next. "Well, you're going to have to tell me, because I don't know how to reach Agent Mulder," Scully tearfully insists. But she sent him an email yesterday, Michaud remarks. (Can I just take a sidebar here to comment on how very embarrassing it would be to find out that someone had been watching my every move? Not because I'm all having hot sex and walking around naked all the time, but because I live alone and I do all kinds of crazy things that I would never do if I thought people were watching. Last night, for example, I sang along to the entire soundtrack of the Buffy musical while devouring a plate of Saltines covered in sour cream and watching Passions. These are not activities to which others should be privy! Anyway.) Scully's lips tremble. She tears up. And then she tells Michaud that she wants to "see his face" before she tells him word one. "Are you still there?" she asks. Michaud tells her to meet him at the bus stop in front of the internet café in twenty minutes.

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