Previously: Kay tried to send Zombie Charity back to...you know, wherever she came from, but was thwarted by the floating and disembodied hellraiser, who threatened to kill tiny, beautiful, gay little Miguel if Kay actually went through...oh, I'm sorry, that's Passions.
Previously: Mulder was devastated when he thought that Scully had walked out on him and their child, and then was horrified to receive an ominous note, indicating that Scully had been kidnapped! He then took to his shoe box office and started blaring the tune to Rocky, and also...whoops! That's the little story I'm making up using small plastic people because I clearly don't have enough actual flesh and blood playmates.
Previously: I called Kim Manners a woman, misidentified mountains of clips from past episodes of The X-Files, apparently didn't do nearly enough research on the FeeJee mermaid, and spelled Albert OldNativeAmericanMan's last name incorrectly. And those are some of the many past mistakes I've made in the course of these recaps. Isn't it nice to remember the good times, now that our days together are numbered? I think so.
It's raining and dark in Brooklyn, thirteen years ago. A van from "Triburo Cable" pulls up in front of a nice suburban-looking home. Behind the wheel of the car is...oh my God, is that Meat Loaf? Seriously, I think it might be Meat Loaf. I really hope he bursts into a verse from "Paradise By the Dashboard Light." Since, you know, he's in the car and all. But no luck. Instead, Meat Loaf just sits in the van and stares at the rosary hanging from the rearview mirror. Speaking of God -- as we have been for the last five episodes -- Happy Easter and Passover, everyone. I'm chewing on a chocolate bunny head right now. Anyway, Meat Loaf sits and looks mopey. "Get going," says a disembodied voice from somewhere behind him. Even though the van is empty. "Please do your damn job," the voice says, as Meat Loaf just looks shifty and sad. He does not respond with a chorus of "I Will Do Anything for Love (But I Won't Do That)." Instead, he picks up his toolbox and steps out of the van and into the rain.
Inside the house, an adolescent girl in a bright Esprit-style pullover chats on the telephone. "You can't think Milli Vanilli is cool!" she squeals. "I would disown you! You are unbelievable! Okay, I may puke, but I have to ask. Who do you intend to marry? Rob? Or Fab?" Okay, that's it! That's the end of the line for me and the good folks at 1013 productions. Because I'll forgive a lot of things -- Mulder's ridiculous absence, "Closure," Moronica -- but now I have "Girl, You Know It's True" in my head. The doorbell rings and there's a lot of eye-rolling and head-wiggling between the Adolescent and Her Mother, but the girl finally puts the receiver on the table and goes to answer the door.