X-Files

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Moronica and Doggett are staking out Jane's. Moronica's changed her shirt for the fourth time in, like, a day. Moronica tells Doggett to try to get some sleep, but he won't, because he doesn't trust her. Well, that part's just implied. And he doesn't want to talk about her dumb theory, either. "Okay, but just tell me a theory that makes sense," she says. "That theory doesn't make any sense!" Doggett yells. A couple of things: I love you, Doggett, you crabby loudmouth! Also, it seems that the horror of Doggett Loves Moronica is over. Praise Jesus. Or BOB II. Or William. Or that Canadian spaceship. Or whatever. "How the hell to you does that make sense?" Doggett asks. Moronica just looks sad. Doggett chatters that decent police work caught Meat Loaf once and will do it again and if that isn't enough he doesn't know what he'll do because that's all he has and he's thinking about quitting the FBI and taking off with Skinner to Vermont where they're going to open a B&B with another gay couple and call it Four Boys Only but Moronica could stay there too and maybe she'd like to bring that cute girl in Accounting. Everyone looks thoughtful.

Suddenly, BOB II pops out of Jane's house and runs across the yard. Moronica and Doggett gasp and leap out of the car and give chase. "He was here! The man in your photo!" Jane gasps. She's not dead, see? Meat Loaf was there and then not, she pants. Doggett's running after BOB II, and Moronica tells Jane to call the cops. She races after Doggett.

Finally, they find the "Cable Access" manhole. Hee, I said "manhole." "[Meat Loaf] worked for Triburo cable!" Doggett explains. They leap into the biggest, fanciest, Paris Sewer-iest, cable access tunnels ever.

Doggett and The Moronic One split up to search the tunnels, but not so fast that BOB II can't dramatically crack Moronica over the head and then run off. Sadly, she doesn't die.

Walking. Looking. Walking. Looking.

Moronica: walking.

Doggett: looking.

Moronica: looking.

Doggett: walking.

Okay, so these cable access tunnels, so conveniently located right under Meat Loaf's lawyer's house, are perched above yet another set of tunnels. I don't know. Levels of tunnels? I don't think we have those in California. All our sewage runs into the ocean and makes me sick when I go surfing after a storm. Okay, I don't surf so much as wipe out and narrowly avoid drowning. Okay, I don't wipe out and narrowly avoid drowning as much as I sit on the beach and read a magazine. But you know what I mean. Anyhoo, in yet another display of grace and poise, Moronica manages to fall all the way down down down into the watery tunnels of the second set of...you know, whatever. Sadly, she doesn't die, nor does she even lose her flashlight. And it's also a really, really clean sewer. 1013, if you're reading this? We want to see Moronica drowning in raw sewage. Or, you know, getting clonked in the head with a grand piano. Or getting hit by a crosstown bus. Or catching on fire. Or falling in front of the subway. Or getting hit by lightening. Or drinking Clorox. Or falling prey to La Chubacabra. Or all of the above. Instead, the only thing that happens is that her hair gets wet and she sees a bunch of corpses.

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X-Files

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