X-Files

Episode Report Card
Jessica: B+ | 2 USERS: A+
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William

Upstairs, Doggett walks down the hallway. The Peaceful Piano of I'm Going Home to My Lover -- Walter Skinner -- a Nice Pot Roast, and a Foot Massage tinkles in the background. Suddenly, Doggett pats his breast pocket, spins around on his heel, and races for the elevator.

Next thing you know, Doggett's opening the door to the LBO and leaning down to fetch the file he left on the floor. He's in the process of standing back up when Mr. Mysterioso bursts out from behind the door and knocks Doggett onto the ground before proceeding to kick the shit out of him and run away. Well, it's probably not Mulder, then. First of all, I don't like to think that Mulder would try to kick the shit out of Doggett. Second of all, Mulder might be scared to try to kick the shit out of Doggett. Oh, save me the hate mail. I'm not saying Mulder's a wuss, or nothing. I'm just saying that Mulder's probably smart enough to realize that he doesn't want to coldcock a dude who was in the Marines and the NYPD, especially since Mulder is probably all weak and depressed from being on the lam. And not that I think Doggett would try to kick Mulder's ass if Mulder punched him, anyway. I think Doggett would be all, "I'm not going to fight you, Mooooulder! Scully loves you! And so does my boyfriend, Walter! I won't hurt them by fighting you! I won't!" And Mulder would be all, "I've been gone for ages, and you can light matches with your bare hands! I have to prove my manliness to the world!" And Doggett would be all, "Then explain the damn mytharc to me!" And then Mulder's head would explode. Although, who knows? Maybe it is Mulder. Maybe Mulder's gotten all crazy and desperate from living in cheap motels away from his woman and their spawn and is willing to do whatever it takes to get back home! Maybe he's been, like, lifting weights in his room at his cheap No Tell Motel, and has "Dana" and "Will" tattooed on his fingers and he's out for blood -- anyone's blood -- en route to getting them back! So who knows? ["I just don't see Mulder in red Converse sneakers, somehow. Nike Air? Sure." -- Wing Chun] Anyway, MaybeMulder races off into the night and Doggett groans and pulls his bruised ass off the floor and gives chase, drawing his weapon. "Turn around and step forward," he yells, once he's caught up with MaybeMulder on MaybeMulder's way up the basement stairs. "Step forward!" The man does. "Let's go, tough guy. All the way down," Doggett instructs. I'd like to go all the -- oh my God, I did not almost just say that. Anyway. So. Then Doggett gets a good look at the man's mug (although the audience does not). Total shock and surprise wash over his face.

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X-Files

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