Amazing Race

Episode Report Card
M. Giant: A- | 1240 USERS: C+
YOU GRADE IT
Huger than Huge

Dan and Jordan are leaving the Pit Stop at 6:00 AM, three and a half hours behind the leaders. They might as well quit now, right? No hope of catching up at this point. I remember when the Pit Stops were always multiples of twelve hours, not just an interval arbitrarily chosen to guarantee maximum bunching. Piling their stuff into the trunk of a cab, Jordan says, "San Francisco's a very gay-friendly place. Good for me." Because he's really had to keep his rainbow under a bushel these last eleven legs. But I bet Jet and Cord's cowboy hats will go over big. Like the other teams, they're thrilled to be headed home. Dan interviews that this is the "Super Bowl of the Amazing Race," like yes, we get it, you're a sports fan and not at all gay. Sorry you're off on the race during the height of the football season and thus having to miss so much quality time watching large men run around in tight pants. He says they have the athletic talent and brain power they'll need to win. "Wait, is California in the United States?" Jordan asks jokingly.

It's light outside by the time they meet up with the other two teams at the airport, camped out next to the still-closed United window. Jordan puts his backpack down between where Cord is sacked out on the floor and where Caite and Brent are marking the front of the line. We see him and Jordan being interviewed in a football stadium after the race as Jordan explains, "So I felt like we were second in line," which is bullshit. If you're going to cut in line, accept and own that it's a dick move. Don't cut and then try to justify it with some obscure point of schoolyard law that nobody but you has ever heard of and the only reason you have is because you just made it up. So when the counter opens at 10:45, and Caite and Brent are ordering their tickets, Jet and Cord look at the brothers standing in front of then in line, and say, "Y'all are trying to cut, I can see it." "Oh, yeah, I'm standing right behind them," Jordan says, like, is there something wrong with your eyes? Without raising his voice, Jet points out that the brothers got there six hours later than he and Cord, so how did they get ahead of them in line? Jordan maintains that his backpack ergo post hoc case is valid. So then the Cowboys do this thing where they pretend to be talking to each other when in fact their words are intended for Jordan. "I don't think you can actually grab his backpack and tow him backwards in the airport," Cord says to Jet. "You'd get in trouble for that." Jet adds that he'd get in trouble for kicking his teeth in. "If they wanna drop the gloves, I can drop the gloves." Brent and Caite get their tickets, and Jordan steps right up to the counter like it's legitimately his turn. There's an Amazing Camera behind the counter now, and with Cord standing right behind him, Jordan tells it, "This is a race. It's a game, and there's a million bucks at the other end, so I'm going for it. You can hate the game all you want, just don't hate the player." You know what I hate? Clichés. Clichés and bullshit. He has the nerve to tell the Cowboys, "Don't hate" as he brushes past them. Jet growls at him to get out of the way. If that's their version of Hulking out, this is going to be a long leg.

Amazing Race

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