For the past four days, I have been sicker than anytime since before I came to California. It started off as a dry throat, progressed to an intensely sore throat, and then made its way up my face, where it settled firmly in my ears, eyes, and sinuses. And it's all because I made a huge mistake. Normally, whenever I feel something coming on, I make bleary eyes at the Evil Dr. Mathra, who bustles out to the kitchen to whip up one of his restorative Hot Toddies. I don't know if it's the Vitamin C punch the lemon juice packs, or the antiseptic qualities of the Wild Turkey bourbon, or the moisturizing effect of the honey on a sore throat, but whatever it is, after one or two of those, I wake up the next morning with nary a trace of my previous ills. This time, however, I made the SINGULARLY odd choice to avoid all alcohol, and look where it got me: I can't speak beyond a transvestitish croak, my ears are so full of god knows what that I can't hear a damn thing above the weird hum in my ears, and I've got this horrid twitchy sniffle that makes me want to shove a pencil, kabob skewer, or Zome strut UP my NOSE, oh god, just give me something to stop the perpetual tickling feeling of a perpetual sneeze coming on that NEVER ACTUALLY DELIVERS ON ITS PROMISE! Wah.

Make sure you don't get yourself into this pathetic state, and mix yourself this week's Keckler Kocktail:

Dr. Mathra's Totally Hot Toddy

1/2 cinnamon stick
2 whole cloves
Juice from 1/2 a lemon
1 jigger (1 1/2 oz) bourbon (I'm not exactly sure why we get Wild Turkey bourbon, but it's always been Mathra's preference. Feel free to make your own choice.)
Boiling water
1 tablespoon honey, preferably local

The Shake:
Crush the cinnamon stick and cloves slightly. A mortar and pestle works well for this, as does the bottom of a heavy pan. Put the spices in a heatproof glass or mug and squeeze in the lemon juice. Add the bourbon and pour in the boiling water to fill the glass. Stir in the honey and serve very hot.

Drink it because it's chilly, drink it to ward off sickness, or just drink it because Hateful Jim is clearly being kept on this damn show not because he'd be a good addition to MSLO, but because Mark Burnett climbed up some mountain, chiseled a few stone tables, threw around lightning and noise, and commanded it. And I'm not naïve -- I know his ridiculous antics make for good TV, it's just...why does it have to be my TV? I guess at this point, I really wouldn't mind him sticking around a bit longer as long as he doesn't get kept in favor of someone else I actually think is cool. Like Howie or, after this episode, Marcela. Just promise me something? Promise that the bitch-slappiness of his eventual ousting will be directly proportional to his insane obnoxiousness, okay? PLEASE!