What have I done today to make me feel proud? Very little, in fact. This show is bad for my self-esteem.

Well, folks, it's week twelve. We are reminded that our final four players were very, very fat during the first week. They were all pretty sad about it, and some of them had sagging man boobs. The trainers screamed at them a lot, and now they're much skinner. Moral of the story: get someone to scream at you, and you'll be healthier for it.

And then we visit the final four in the elimination room, after Allen got the boot. They're all pretty happy. And then Sami tells them that they're going home for 60 days, and in that time will discover what The Biggest Loser is all about. Basically, they're on their own and surrounded by donuts. And then they'll have to weigh in once more. Each of the contestants acknowledges that being home is going to be a huge test, and they'll have to take all of their learning from the past twelve weeks to their lard-filled houses.

We first head home with Danny to Broken Arrow, Oklahoma. He remembers when he first got the call from Bob telling him that he was on the show. He felt like he was being thrown a lifeline. Man, was Danny huge. He's one of those contestants who looks like a totally different person. Then we catch up with Rudy en route to Brooklyn, Connecticut. He tells us that the toughest part of being at the ranch was being separated from his wife and daughters, one of whom was four months old when he left. He's missed a lot. Including changing diapers. Not such a bad deal. But he probably won't die so soon now that he's skinnier, so it was really an investment. Liz heads to Chapel Hill, Tennessee. She says she has control of her destiny, and has a new lease on life. Not many people can say that. And then there's Amanda, who's heading home to Butler, New Jersey. She never thought she'd be here today, and says that the old Amanda would have quit a long time ago. She learned how to believe in herself.

Welcome home parties abound. Rudy's is in the giant log cabin where he apparently lives. Amanda's is totally in the ballroom of an airport Marriott. Or maybe all Marriotts in New Jersey look like airport Marriotts. Liz's party is at an outdoor pavilion of some sort, and cheerleaders await her. Danny's is in a giant house. There is much cheering and happiness and cries for speeches. Danny tells his family and friends that he felt hopeless when he left, but was thrown a lifeline by being on the show. He says that his absence was hard on his family and particularly his wife, who held down the line while he flew the kite high. He has something for her. They're already married, so this isn't all that exciting. But Danny wants to renew their vows. Rudy tells his family and friends that he's made a lot of progress, but has far to go. Liz speechifies that she threw a fit to come home when she was first on the ranch. But every week got easier and easier, and by week four she had figured out that she could do it. Amanda wanted to quit so many times, but every time she thought it was impossible she had to take an extra step. And lift an extra weight. And do an extra crunch. The contestants announce their weight loss numbers, to great applause.