Hey! Jillian and Bob are in OUR FACES! We are a nation of FATTIES! Try going for a walk, fatties! Try saying, "No thanks, Big Mac, I'm going to enjoy some broccoli today!" And for God's sake, STOP EATING ICE CREAM WHILE YOU WATCH THIS SHOW! On this last point, do you think it's more acceptable to just keep drinking wine continuously? Antioxidants, bitches! God, between this and Oprah's "Best Life Ever" week, I feel like all of television is staging a collective intervention.

Anyway, as you may have heard, this is the biggest season ever. And by biggest season, we mean that there are 11 couples weighing 3.5 tons. Including the oldest couple to ever make the show, the biggest woman ever to make the show, the youngest man ever to make the show, the heaviest contestant ever, and, and, unfortunately, the sickest person ever to make the show. Basically, everyone is about to die. Wheeeeee! And this is their now. They may not have a later, apparently, so let's hope they enjoy it.

And now it is time for the official show to begin. Right now (well, right at the point of taping), 11 couples are in a Hollywood hotel room waiting to find out if they made The Biggest Loser. Well, since we just saw that 11 couples are on the show, this is a pretty foregone conclusion, right? Right.

We meet Carla and Joelle, 36 and 41, respectively, who are best friends and known as Team Get Gorgeous G Squared. Let's hope they don't remind us of their moniker too often. They are out to eliminate, but not destroy. We also meet cousins Sione, 29, and Filipe, 27. Their parents are from the island of Tonga, where culturally it's normal to be big. They want to change the mentality of the Polynesian people and let them know that it's okay to be skinny. How many people totally want to go on vacation in Tonga this year and let it all hang out with pride? Then there are best friends Daniel, 19, and David, 23. Daniel is the aforementioned biggest person to ever be on the show. He says that he knows if he doesn't change he won't make it past 25 or 30. That is pretty sad, man. We then meet grandparents Estella and Jerry, both 63. They have three kids and four grandchildren together and have apparently been married quite a long time. Then we have cousins Dane and Blaine, both 28. Both are married with three kids, and Blaine has another one on the way. They want to be healthy for their families. And then, with those names, maybe start a newly skinny boy band.