Previously: ShePratt sucks at life, but, more specifically, at work. And Lauren is going to have to fall on the sword because of it. The producers perpetuated the farce of Audrina-Justin Bobby. Two. Years. Later. Speidi carried on their shenanigans as usual, with visits from various characters in the parade of insanity that is their "life." Oh! And here comes a new one...

Speidi Web. Heidi warns Spencer that her real dad is coming to town. And he's bringing his guns. Hope they're loaded! She further warns him that biodad is less than pleased about that whole Mexican wedding fiasco. As a tried-and-true Colorado cowboy, he insists that all Heidi's suitors mosey around the spittoon with him and demonstrate their bison-killin' skills before he can rightly approve. Spencer asks for some pointers, and Heidi tells him to be nice. Oh dear, if that's the first and only thing you think of, you've already got problems. She adds that Spencer has never met a dad like hers, then quickly flees the scene, saying, "Just... think about that." Spencer snarks that he can't wait to meet Heidi's dad. Credits.

Audrina and Chiara pretend they belong at a video shoot for The White Tie Affair, who you probably don't care enough to remember from last season. Audrina notes that Steph hit it off with one of the band members last time they met, and that she'll be visiting today to see him again. Wow, MTV is really digging into the past to find someone (anyone!) to make the ShePratt seem palatable, eh? Apropos of that, Audrina notes that guys in bands are really promiscuous. Ha! Steph arrives, claiming she couldn't get out of work. This we know is not true. She finally has her tearful reunion with that guy she talked about nipple rings with that one time. And it is just like that scene at the end of Slumdog Millionaire! Except for he's much uglier than I remember, and their desperation clings like just-dried sateen.

Speidi preps for Mr. Montag's arrival. Heidi comfortingly tells Spencer that she is way more scared of her dad than her mom, then offers him a safe word. May I suggest Stetson? Heidi's dad Bill arrives, and Heidi torques up the pressure a little more, announcing that Spencer is the first boyfriend to hold court with Wild Bill and his traveling road show. Awkward silence. Spencer decides When in Oklahoma...! and ends the silence by recounting a delightful tale about how Bill threatened to tear an eight-year-old's esophagus out. Charming!