Oy. So, Ashley Parker Angel. He has no money, dubious talents, and a storied past as a member of the crappiest boy band ever to exist (O-Town). He also has a girlfriend, Tiffany. Tiffany has a cat who wears a t-shirt, a mother kind enough to give both her and Ashley a roof under which to sleep, and a bun in the oven. Just when you think your life sucks because someone smashed in the driver's side window of your car and you have to go home and watch There and Back: Ashley Parker Angel and suffer through Ashley's Shakespearean asides to the camera and then write a recaplet about it (true story, my friends), you realize that others do have it worse off. Tiffany is totally upfront about the fact that O-Town sucked, which is kind of awesome. Jacob, Ashley's former O-Town bandmate, comes to hang out along with his pet monkey (no, really), and reveals that he is now in construction, which he likes, but would like better if it were a hobby. There's a lot of noise about how Ashley is waiting for his second big break and is recording an album but doesn't like his current production team and yada yada yada. Then there's more noise about how Ashley and Tiffany want to buy a house but need to put $8,000 down and OH MY GOD DON'T MAKE ASHLEY SELL HIS CAMARO! Ashley pretends to apply for a job at a music gear rental place and it becomes clear that his rÃ©sumÃ© is as painfully humiliating as his name or any of the lyrics of "Liquid Dreams." Then Ashley meets with the president of his record company, Blackground Records, who is a combination of all the best qualities of Al Green and Nipsey Russell and who summarily writes Ashley a $10,000 check. How convenient! Good times arrive, just in time for Ashley and Tiffany's two-year anniversary. Ashley sings her a song that he wrote and it's kind of cute and kind of stupid and kind of an enemy of music, much like Ashley himself.
From MTV's 10 Spot logo, we are thrust unwittingly onto a dim stage, where cacophonous harmony materializes into five shadowy figures. "All for Love," the figures sing, as a voice asks us, "Remember this group?" No. No, I can't say that I do. But the voice helpfully continues, "That's right, it's O-Town." O-No! We see a video of a song that says something about "Knock knock," and it actually sounds like it's maybe an okay song, but don't tell anyone that I said that. "And how hot is that pop star?" asks the voice, and I will grant that that pop star is somewhat hot, but only because his spiky hair combined with his delicate feminine features make him look kind of like a hot soft butch lesbian. "Before you answer," says the voice, "that's me."
The voice then introduces himself as "Ashley...Parker...Angel," and it is clear that he is in possession of the faggiest name ever. more so than "Jack Ennis Brokeback Butt Pirate Angel," even. He asks if we like his spiky hair, and before we can answer, he confesses that he didn't particularly care for it either. O-Town Ashley walks on the beach, appears on TRL, stands in front of screaming fans. Ashley says that O-Town had it all -- a #1 hit, a platinum album (which Clive Davis confirms), sold-out concerts, and their own TV show. Now, I knew about the TV show, but the #1 hit and platinum album threw me for a bit of a loop, there. It makes me a little sad about life. Ashley says that he was an international pop star, and then adds, "But you know what? It didn't last." And that is something for which we are all grateful, young Ash.
Ashley then asks, "So what's my life like now?," which I think is something that he should already know. The spiky-haired lesbionic Ashley morphs into that guy from the Goo Goo Dolls (in other words, he is sporting effeminate '90s hair which really frames his sculpted cheekbones), and once again answers his own question: "Let's just say...it's different." He says that the only girl screaming at him now is his pregnant girlfriend, and that the two of them are living in a tiny apartment with his girlfriend's mom. His O-Town money is long gone and he's down to his last few dollars. So go sell your body for profit as any other self-respecting person with your looks and effeminate hair would do! Sometimes it's so difficult for people to see the obvious answers to life's problems. But everything is not lost for Ashley, because he's "managed" to "score a record deal." Unfortunately, however, his producers -- who control all the money -- are treating him unfairly. I would actually love to hear their side of the story on this whole matter. He also says that he needs a manager. But, he adds with a smile, he should stop complaining, because at least he's getting a second chance. And this is his shtick. He's one of those people who's like, "I've been evicted and someone repossessed my car and I just discovered that I have oral herpes. But hey, things could be worse...at least I'm not a jaundiced amputee!" Just be bitter and mean and unappreciative like the rest of us, Mary Sunshine. We cut to the credits, which feature what I'm sure is an Ashley-penned song that appears to be called "The Soundtrack To Your Life." Of course.