Ashley and Tiffany move into their lovely new house. Also moving in is Scarlet, Tiffany's mom, who "accidentally" sees Ashley sporting morning wood. Say it with me now: "Ewwwwwwwwwwww." Ashley is "upset." Later, Ashley goes to the grocery store and is befuddled. Yes, friends, the action has really picked up since last week. Ashley must confront Soul Power, the producers who jerked him around about his advance, which sincerely stresses him out. Manager Larry Rudolph accompanies Ashley and is useless. Soul of Soul Power blames the whole kerfluffle on lawyers. He is vaguely Norwegian. Despite Soul Power's protestations, Ashley breaks up with them, and they kind of seem like they could give less than two shits. Jacob returns to help Ashley to build a toy chest. They try to be manly. Jacob kind of succeeds, what with his mastery of power tools, while Ashley helpfully offers to make them Gardenburgers. Eventually, they finish the toy chest, and the viewers of America are riveted to the excitement. Then, Tiffany gets an ultrasound and everyone finds out that she's having a boy. Someone screams, "His wiener! His wiener!," and then Ashley talks about how well-endowed the fetus is and I want to vomit or die or both. And then, "OUT OF THE BLUE," producerless Ashley winds up hooking up with uber-producers The Matrix, the folks who helped Liz Phair try to turn herself into Avril Lavigne. Ashley wants to write about his life, which, based on what we've seen so far, should turn out a really exciting album. He writes and records "The Soundtrack To Your Life," which is accompanied by a montage of photos of Ashley growing up and...several clips from the episode we've just seen. Ah, those were the days.
The camera pans in on a house with a sign that says "For Lease." A moving truck from the "Load Rock-N-Roll" moving and storage company pulls up as Ashley greets the dawn with a Shakespearean Aside:
"I'm moving from a tiny apartment into a house in suburbia. Well [picking up newspaper like a Sim], not just me. My girlfriend, and my girlfriend's mom. [in the style of Joseph Lawrence] Whoa. Am I ready for this? I have enough to cover the first month's rent here, and that's about it."
Okay, if they're so poor, why didn't they rent a cheaper place? Oh, because MTV's paying for it, you say? Very well, then.
Tiffany tells Ashley to direct the movers as to where to put their stuff, so they don't just drop it anywhere. Ashley says that he will. The movers take a bunch of stuff out of the truck, and Ashley tells them to put all of it in the garage. Tiffany finds some cheesy O-Town swag and bitchily says she's going to hang it on the fridge. Ashley says that he's going to hang Tiffany on the fridge, and then accidentally eat her at 5 AM whilst sporting his morning wood. Oops, spoiler alert. Tiffany finds some O-Town shirts. Tiffany and Ashley have the same curtains that I do.
The movers wheel in some giant boxed thing that looks like a piano. But Ashley says, "Yeahhh, my O-Town stuff is finally out of storage." It is apparently a gigantic shrine to O-Town on wheels or something. Tiffany says that they can sell it to pay the rent. With the money they get from the sales, they should be able to put a down payment on a nice big cardboard box. Ashley looks briefly hurt and then says that it's his baby and busts into a warbly Hallelujah chorus. We never see what's actually in the box. I then transpose into the scene Geri Warner, television cousin of The Facts of Life's Blair Warner (who came to fame with her clever "No, I don't have cerebral palsy, I'm just drunk" t-shirt) saying, "What's in the box, Blair?" I wonder if Ashley would respond to someone calling him "Blair." In any event, their house is cute.
The next day (ostensibly), a cobbled together voice-over has Ashley telling Tiffany that she and her mother are always ganging up on him. A cobbled together voice-over of Tiffany says that they're not. Actual filmed Tiffany then busts out with, "Mom saw you this morning at the refrigerator with morning wood." Ashley is taken aback and says that it was 5:30 in the morning. Tiffany replies that, nonetheless, her mother saw Ashley standing buck nekkid at the fridge. Tiffany laughs. Ashley is embarrassed. The story goes that Scarlet heard the fridge and thought it was Tiffany. She came into the kitchen, only to discover a naked Ashley sporting morning wood. Tiffany and Scarlet have a special relationship. If my mother ever spoke the words "morning wood" to me, I think I would die. Ashley says that he thought nobody would be up at 5:30 AM, so he made the fateful decision to forego clothes. Tiffany asks if he did, indeed, have morning wood and he says, "YEAH," as if there were another possible answer to that question. Oh, little boy, learn from your elders. Chuck Norris has morning wood 24 hours a day. Ashley says that he didn't expect Tiffany's mom to bust in on him all naked and stuff, and Tiffany says incredulously that it's not like Scarlet walked in on him in the bathroom with the morning wood. He was in the kitchen, which is indeed public domain. Nonetheless, it makes me think that Scarlet is kind of creepy. ["Well, honestly. Even if she 'thought it was Tiffany,' why did she have to get up and…preside over someone else…being…in the kitchen? Get a life, lady." -- Sars] Tiffany quoth, "You're standing at the refrigerator with a big HARD-ON!" She laughs. Ashley says that he's going to install a red warning light that he'll put on when he's walking around naked. Wait for Scarlet's claims of color blindness to surface.