There & Back
Moving Ahead

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Angel of the Morning (Wood)

A truly awful song that I'm left to surmise is sung/written by APA himself leads us to the next segment. It goes, "Hey hey guys, hey hey guys / What's the prize…" The prize, at least for me, is that this show is going to Permanent Hiatus. It's like the tilt-to-and-fro card at the bottom of the Cracker Jack box of the abyss that is There and Back: Ashley Parker Angel. As Ashley attempts to clean out the garage, his manager Larry Rudolph calls. Though I don't have substantial evidence on the matter, I think Larry Rudolph is kind of a scumbag. In any case, a meeting with Soul Power, the producers Ashley claims screwed him over, is imminent. Ashley wants to think about what he's going to say, because he's not good at confrontation. Larry says that it's a good opportunity for Ashley to resolve his differences with Soul Power. Ashley has a lot of anxiety about the meeting and is glad that Larry is going to be there. Larry says that he'll jump in if he sees any sweat on Ashley's brow. Oh. Stop. The anticipation is killing me.

Ashley comes up behind Scarlet and rubs her shoulders. Jesus loves Scarlet more than she will know. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Ashley announces that he's the designated grocery shopper for the day, and Scarlet goes over the list. Ice, green tomatoes, large baking potatoes, and oatmeal chocolate cookie dough for Tiffany. Tiffany asks if Ashley can handle it and Ashley says, "Of course I can handle it, it's grocery shopping, how hard can it be?" As we are about to see, it can be as hard as Ashley's morning wood. If you are a fake-ass moron which, as we know, Ashley is.

Grocery store. Hot-house tomatoes are $3.79 a pound. I am telling you this because IT IS THE MOST EXCITING THING THAT'S HAPPENED ON THE SHOW SO FAR. And we see the tomato price sign twice. Ashley asks the produce attendant if they have green tomatoes. They don't, but they have what Ashley refers to as "midget tomatoes." The Amazing Race's Charla jumps into the scene to bitch-slap Ashley and yell, "That's Little Person tomatoes to you, asshole." They are actually tomatillos. He calls Tiffany and asks if these are okay. Then he calls Tiffany and asks if plain chocolate chip cookie dough is okay. Then Ashley asks passersby to point him to the potatoes. He calls Tiffany to ask what kind of potatoes he should get.

Next in this riveting documentary on grocery selection, Ashley asks the produce attendant where the corn on the cob is. The produce attendant says it is right in front of him and then actually leads him to the corn on the cob, which is, as one might expect, in the midst of the other vegetables in the produce section. Ashley thanks him and says that he's new at this. I don't even have the patience to make a snarky remark. He then asks the same poor produce attendant about which corn is yellow and which is white, because he is not only color-blind but also functionally illiterate. First Fantasia, now Ashley. Parents, do not let your children quit school to appear on a reality program! Ashley asks for help picking out the corn. An older lady looks at him like he is an idiot. She is the representative of us all. If only the old lady were being played by Bea Arthur, my life would be complete. And then, in a moment that actually makes me laugh because it's so stupid and my resistance has been worn down by the three-minute grocery segment, Ashley can't get the store's automatic doors to open. I think he's trying to go out through the in door, in door. He stands back and claps, but no luck. Then apparently someone hits a switch somewhere, because Ashley looks to the side and says, "Got it! Thanks, guys." Commercials, thank the Lord.

When we return, it is night. Oh, psych, it's day. It was night, then day. Time goes so quickly when you're locked into a life of endless redundant stupidity. Ashley paces the floor as Tiffany lies in bed. He's nervous about his meeting with Soul Power. He says he's getting an ulcer from it. Tiffany asks why it's so cold in the room. Ashley ignores her in lieu of freaking out even more about the meeting and dreading coming face-to-face with "Soul." Oooh, don't hurt me, tiny-ish yet scary goateed Norwegian man, because despite my impressive display of morning wood, I'm a big fat puss! Tiffany tells him to grow a pair and to tell Soul Power in a nice, calm, professional way to kiss his ass. I actually think that's really good advice for a lot of situations. Ashley can't believe that his personal and professional relationship with Soul Power has come to this. I can't believe that we have to witness it. But Soul Power jacked him out of his advance, and that is unacceptable. Ashley continues to be stressed.

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There & Back




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