Third Watch
A Rock And A Hard Place

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Heathen: C- | Grade It Now!
A Rock And A Hard Place

The homeless woman explains that her coffee date didn't come upstairs for their regular outing today. She opens a makeshift door to reveal a staircase that goes three flights down into the bowels of the city, and explains that the man lives down there. Shrugging, Carlos and Doc head downstairs with Yokas while Bosco balks. "I'm going in that filth because some grapehead missed his coffee date with Sophia Loren here?" he smirks. Webster, having backed off during Omar's three-week Bosco sympathy stretch, redistributes all the new dictionaries that feature Bosco's photo under "boorish." He taunts the homeless woman, asking if the coffee date is her lover with whom she'll breed hobo children and have saucy, hot, nightly rolls in the mud. "You're so clever with the jokes about street people," she deadpans wearily. "Maybe later, you can regale me with jokes about the handicapped. Children are especially fun." Score one for her. Bosco stares blankly. "Regale?" he asks. Oh, my -- score two for the homeless woman. No, wait, I think that's game, set, and match. Instead of telling Bosco that "regale" means "fuck off, pig," the woman just stares into the darkness of the underground tunnel that so uncannily resembles Bosco's brain.

Carefully, Yokas, Doc, and Carlos descend the stairs -- Bosco later follows, as Faith has yelled for his flashlight -- and joke about some nutcase who claimed to be the Lindbergh baby. A lame riff follows that is supposed to show Bosco is somewhat stupid. Nice. On what planet is this mystery man, potentially dead or freezing in an underground lair, worthy of a four-person rescue squad? If I drop a dollar between the seats of my car, can I call 911? Bosco bitches that rats are crawling everywhere. Doc shines his light on a strange throne-type chair made of pots, pans, cobwebs, and cushions, and discovers a pallid, immobile, elderly man sitting there. Instead of checking his pulse, they proceed with a highly scientific test to ascertain his well-being -- questions include "Are you okay?" and "Will you raise your hand if you want our help?" Getting no answer, the benevolent posse decides to leave him alone, because dead men belong with the rats and that's just the way life is, man.

Suddenly, Faith hears a noise. At her urging, two hoods -- we know this because they're in skull caps -- emerge from the shadows and rather intelligently telegraph their guilt by shoving their hands deep into their pockets and exchanging furtive glances. Everyone is tense. "Geez, this is bad, man," says Ruffian. "Bad," agrees Hooligan. Good. That's settled. Suddenly, they pull out weapons and Faith screams for everyone to draw. Oooh, a face-off. Faith warns them not to shoot, the closed-captioners give Bosco a line that neither he nor anyone else ever actually utters, and Ruffian shoots. Gunfire blazes and Hooligan and Ruffian escape up the first flight of stairs and slam a metal door. A textbook police maneuver -- in the textbook of Suck. Faith kicks the door in frustration and realizes it's locked. "We should've just gone to get chicken," pouts Bosco. Why, hello Physics. Kind of you to join us, but what are you doing here so early? "Just watch," Physics says. And sure enough, an angry, Faith shoots at the metal door -- and Doc, standing behind her and to the left, clutches his abdomen and crumples.

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Third Watch




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