Third Watch
The Self-Importance Of Being Carlos

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Omar G: D+ | Grade It Now!
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Welcome to Hell. We Have an Entire Wing Devoted to You.

Look, I don't like this any more than you do. An entire episode devoted to King Doofus, Carlos Nieto? I would rather empty a can of True Value Hardware paint into my anus. I would rather watch rabid cheetahs destroy my Sopranos DVD set. I'd rather set fire to one of my toes. Nevertheless, we're stuck with this one, because Bobby just died, and the Third Watch writers have our sympathy and our curiosity. So, I tell you what. I've got a nice bottle of Don Julio tequila here. Why don't you grab something similar, pull up a shot glass, and we'll get through this together?

Ready? (Gulp.) So am I.

Previously on Good God, How Am I Gonna Get Through This One?: Bobby died, and Kim wailed about it on the street to her mother. Firefighter Lombardo punched Jimmy in the face for having sex with his girlfriend Linda during the Jimmy/Brooke engagement party. Oops. Carlos whined to Doc about when one of the guys got shot and everybody came together like a family. Carlos didn't feel like he's part of that family, but that has more to do with the fact that he's an ass. To quote Livia Soprano, "Oh, poor you." At a bowling alley, Carlos got dissed by a teenager he's hitting on. Later on, Kim told Carlos she admired him, and he got all big-headed about it. (Actually, now that I think of it, either Carlos's ears are growing at an alarmingly Will Smith-esque rate, or his head is shrinking. I'll go with the ear-growth theory. That way I can call Carlos the "Not-So-Fresh Prince of No-Where.")

The episode begins proper (or as proper as an episode featuring Carlos can begin) with an artsy crane stop-and-go shot of a bad accident scene. The camera zooms, then slows on Yokas, who is thinking about the drunk guy who probably caused the accident. We hear her thoughts as she tells us she can smell the liquor on the guy. "If I had two minutes alone with him..." she mutters in voice-over, but she totally doesn't mean it in a sexual way. We then go to Jimmy, who opens up a car hood and thinks, "We got here just in time. Another couple of seconds and..." Could Jimmy's thoughts be any more boring? Jeez. He's just eye candy, ladies. Nothin' but eye candy and empty calories. Sully's next on the Camera 'o Character Development. He's upset that people are standing around and watching the accident like it's a movie. Then it's Doc, who spouts off the medical stats of some guy lying on the ground. His inner life has all the vitality of a chemistry textbook.

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Third Watch

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