Third Watch
The Self-Importance Of Being Carlos

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Welcome to Hell. We Have an Entire Wing Devoted to You.

Pour shot. Gulp. Repeat.

Deep breath. Okay, that wasn't so bad, right? We made it all the way the opening credits. We're cool, right? Oh, man, who am I kidding? This is gonna suck. I've put my cat, Cosa, in protective custody, because to keep her in the house while this episode is on might constitute animal cruelty.

Back from commercials, and some fire trucks are rolling down the street, sirens blaring. Holy crap, this episode guest-stars Eric Bogosian! Maybe he'll turn this into a one-man episode, playing all the parts, including Carlos. One can only hope. Oh, damn. It's actually Carlos and Doc arriving at the scene, where a huge RV is teetering on the edge of a bridge. I thought this only happened in wacky sitcoms and bad road movies. Sully and Ty tell the others that an elderly couple was driving along when their RV slipped on some ice, and all of a sudden they're a physics mystery. Bravo, Third Watch. You've yet again managed to trick the forces of reality. Sully asks Jimmy whether there's any way they can stabilize the RV. "Well, I could have sex with someone," he responds, then corrects himself: "We can get some lines on it." Cocaine? No, just steel cables. Carlos bravely says he'll stay outside and coordinate, to save weight. Wuss. Doc overrules that, and tells Carlos to bring his Will Smith ears with him.

Carlos and Doc enter the RV through a convenient waist-level hatchway. An elderly couple is wedged inside, among a bunch of scattered mismarked butterfly ballots and copies of Tom Brokaw's The Greatest Generation. Clearly, this is a big mess. Carlos slips, and the whole RV tips a bit, causing the elderly woman to scream. Things calm down just a bit. Doc asks whether the man is okay, and he's honest enough to say he's "not real good." Doc carefully crosses over to them, seeing through a panel below that it's a long way down to the street. The RV groans as movement inside makes it teeter. Outside, Jimmy watches as a single steel cable just isn't helping too damned much. Inside, Doc sees that the old man is pinned. He needs his leg freed, but they can't pull him out. Carlos tries to lift the man, but he just screams in pain and completely fails to reconfigure his body structure to accommodate this. Oh, now the writers of the show obey the laws of physics. Carlos uses all of his training to deduce that something needs to be done, here. Doc calls Jimmy on his radio and explains the situation. Jimmy advises the two to get the hell out of Dodge. "She's too unstable," Jimmy says, but I don't know if he's talking about the RV or someone he just slept with. Doc goes back to the sweet old couple and tells them that he and Carlos are going to have to come back once the RV is stabilized. He tells the woman, "We need to get you out of here." In classic TV elderly person style, she says she's not leaving. "Are you nuts?"Carlos spits at her. Doc tries more diplomatically, but the woman tells the husband that she married him and she's not walking out on him now. The sweet tinkly "old person death wish" music plays. Carlos looks disgusted. Doc says that they'll be back. Yeah. Right. And physics is a real science. Just as Doc gets out, the RV tips some more, violating a few more laws -- but hey, who's counting at this point? Cables snap. The couple inside is shown holding each other tightly, their hair blowing in the lack of wind. More tipping. More snapped cables. Doc yells, "Come on! Come on!" like he's challenging the RV to a fight. RV tips. Sweet shot of the couple embracing. Then the damned thing flips over and lands on its top, crushing itself completely. Everybody looks stunned, even the physicists watching in outrage at home.

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Third Watch

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