Third Watch
The Self-Importance Of Being Carlos

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Welcome to Hell. We Have an Entire Wing Devoted to You.

Next thing we see is a nasty toilet being thrown out the window of a broken down building. If that isn't a metaphor for this episode, I don't know what is. Doc is having a Miller Time moment with another guy, talking about how great it is to get out your aggressions and use destructive force for positive change. He's interrupted by yelling, and the two destructo-buddies discover Carlos arguing with a homeless man who wants to take the toilet with him. The homeless man, who looks vaguely like a Klingon, is hugging the toilet. Carlos is wielding a ball peen hammer at the poor guy. Doc gets involved and tells Carlos it's fine. Carlos argues that it's their building to clear out, so the toilet is their property. "What a homeless guy gonna do with a toilet?" Carlos asks. Does he really need an answer for that, or is he truly that stupid? Doc yells. Carlos yells. Tempers flare. Doc declares that Carlos is hopeless. He just doesn't give a damn. Oh, and Carlos hit on a volunteer, too. "I'm startin' to think I'm beyond help, too," Carlos says, as Doc is walking away. Suddenly, Carlos is all sad. Tinkly music plays. Doc returns. "Carlos, it's not magic," he says. And he tells Carlos that if he wants to be compassionate, to put himself second. The rest, he says, will take care of itself. Carlos gets a commercial to think about it.

When we return, Carlos is waiting in line at a convenience store. He sees a guy who doesn't have enough change to pay for his purchase. "I should do something here," Carlos thinks. "But what?" After much soul searching, he gives some change to the guy to help him pay. "You sure?" the guy asks. "Um...yeah?" Carlos declares. Suddenly, Carlos is walking down the street and the song, "Flashdance (What a Feeling)" plays. I have to admit, that's pretty funny. A woman loses her hat in a strong wind and Carlos runs into the street to retrieve it for her. He doesn't even hit on her. Carlos then helps a guy carrying some boxes down the street. And, hey! Look over there! Carlos is helping me write my recap by doing stuff that's easy to gloss over!

Later, in the ambulance, Carlos does his humble job by alerting Doc to all the nice acts he's been committing lately. He says he's been helping people and listening to people. "Now I know why you do it. It feels good. It feels real good," Carlos says. He says this is how people must feel when they go to church. Suddenly they get a call.

Carlos and Doc arrive at a home where a man has been electrocuted trying to fix a light. Oh, by the way, how many Carloses does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Three. One to be a dumb-ass, one to screw in the bulb, and the other to make me regret I was ever born, much less alive to see this show. The electrocuted man has no pulse, and his wife is crying up a storm. Carlos asks her to move out of the way, and Doc is getting impatient. Carlos tries again to move her. She's still crying and carrying on. Carlos finally yells at the woman to shut up and asks if she wants to kill her husband. He completely loses his temper here. The woman whimpers while Doc calls him back. Carlos just failed his compassion test. But, what's this? A possible save? Carlos argues with Doc on a call and turns out to be right by giving the man some shocks to counter the electrocution. The man's pulse returns, so it must have been a good call. Doc seems impressed, at least.

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Third Watch

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