Everyone back after that week off? Good. Guess what? Doc has a dark, dark secret. I mean, dark, man. Like if this secret were to see the light of day, it would suck all available light sources within a six-mile radius. This dark secret, so dark, so profoundly without pigmentation and bright hues, is just...okay, sorry, sorry. I'm getting way ahead of myself. But, damn Doc, how did you go so long living with this terrible, black-as-a-black-hole secret for so long? How did you cover up the hole in your soul? Doc, so angelic, so wholesome, so...All right, I went and did it again. But, wow. Doc, you are a man of mystery and your dark secret only makes you that much more compelling and mysterious. Sort of.

Previously on Doc-based episodes of Third Watch: Doc broke a bunch of rules to help a gang member. He got into big trouble. Doc had words with Ty about being black and not being outraged on all the injustices around them. (Ty, for the record, said he didn't want to be lectured.) Doc and his main squeeze Dr. Morales got stopped by the police and then Doc got lectured by Morales about his savior-wannabe tendencies. He yelled back.

The episode opens with Doc in a yellow karate outfit on loan from the set of Kung Fu. He is looking all serene, very Tai Chi, as the words "il jang" spring up by way of introducing the segment. "Il jang" must mean "cheap set," because this looks like a monstrously fake dojo. "Heaven" then appears, by way of translation. Man, if this is Heaven, you need to book my ass to Hell and make it one-way. Doc starts doing these lame poses and punches as woodwind and drum machine combine to make a messy, psuedo-crap piece of music that could best be described as "Casio Mysticism." Doc punches. He kicks. He poses. For a minute, I think he's playing a Sega arcade dancing game. He brings his fists to the center...lowers them...and releases. Oh, I know what this is. He's performing Ti-Cheeze.

Next thing, Doc is back in the real world where it really is air that he is breathing. Going on the theme of Heaven and Hell, Doc is transported from his heavenly martial arts scene to being stuck in the ambulance with Carlos ("my other brain is a Pinto") the paramedic. Carlos has just spilled coffee all over himself and admonishes Doc to slow down. "We're on a Code 3 run," Doc explains. Carlos is mad because he spilled coffee on his notes for genetics class. Doc expresses skepticism that learning about fruit flies can make you a better doctor. Yeah, screw all that biology, chemistry, anatomy, and genetics junk, Carlos. Doctors only need to know how to go, "Mmm hmmmm..." and write unintelligibly. They arrive at a scene where the fire trucks have already arrived. Carlos refers to them as "The Bucket Boys," and Doc bitches that the firefighters arrived first to beef up their activity reports. This is all. Very. Fascinating. Yawn.