When Kev and Veronica decide to call off the wedding, her mom tells them about a mysterious sum V's dad left her for her wedding day, so of course it's back on. Since they can't legally get married without Kevin taking the hit for being a bigamist, the trick is to fake the perfect wedding and then just never file the certificate. Fiona's big idea is to get ordained so she can perform the ceremony, but mom's got other ideas; Lip comes to the rescue as usual, by putting Carl in the snatches of a pedo long enough to get some blackmailable offenses -- and the priest brained with a censer, awesomely -- on record.
Kash's wife takes the boys on a Scouting trip, so Kash invites Ian home for a weekend of fake domesticity -- but being surrounded by all of the stuff that comes from being married with kids makes Kash's marriage real in a way Ian wasn't expecting, and he sort of loses some marbles about that. Luckily his beard Mandy Milkovich is more than willing to cheer him up.
Sheila makes the dress, and matching outfits for herself and Frank to wear to the wedding (which is at Kev's bar), but of course she ends up once again unable to leave, and once again it is totally sad. But you also see a bit more of Eddie's part in all that, because boy does he love how fucked up Sheila is. Meanwhile Frank's got a third testicle which, it turns out, is a benign growth. So if you ever wanted to hear William H. Macy say the word testicle like a million times, let me tell you you're in luck.
Fiona once again gets pushed into some kind of contrived Tony/Steve thing like she has to choose, which only flies because of the acting and not because of how balls-out shallow that whole storyline is. Tony has become in the last week, if possible, even dreamier; Steve continues to be adorable, and even gives Fiona a taste of his illegal lifestyle with some very sexy Bonnie & Clyde shenanigans.
After a bunch of bachelor night fun -- all in "we're adorable" snapshot mode -- the groups gather for the wedding. But what's this? Veronica's bipolar firebug brother Marty, who has Tourette's, a hatred of women and a penchant for setting everything ablaze. A touching scene between V and Marty almost seems out of character for the show, until Fiona jumps out of nowhere and tranquilizes him. Marty eventually gets free, and we end the episode with him hiding out in the bar bathroom, draped in toilet paper like a mummy, lighting a match. Boom!
Fiona and Veronica, they're both dressed up like sexy spies so they can go to a public bathroom and take the paper towel dispensers apart and steal paper products. Also the seat covers, for some reason, even though Gallaghers don't even wash their hands after.
(God love Emmy but Fiona's always troubled accent gets a real workout here. She talks like Eliza Duskhu on Buffy sometimes, for the same lack of any reason for doing so: "My character talks like a streetwise gum-cracker from Povertytown. It's right between Boston and Philadelphia." But your show is set in Chicago. "You talkin' to me?")
So V is admitting that she was not even thinking about marriage until Kev's drunken -- she compares it to Hasslehoff's hamburger -- proposal, and since Fiona's the only one who knows his secret she's like, "Is that really the story you want to tell your grandkids? The people of tomorrow's tomorrow?" No, but before they can get into it a lady in the next stall tells about how great her proposal was -- Sears Tower, champagne, roses -- but in six months he was fucking her sister. V asks why she's telling them this story, what is the moral of this story, and the awesome lady shrugs: "My sister's a bitch."
Fiona succeeds in putting enough of the doubt in V's brain -- "other than the presents and the booze, give me three good reasons" and "the way things are between you and Kevin right now seems perfect" -- that she's being a good friend. I mean, the actual Kev issue is not her business and there's not really another way to get them talking. It's not entirely fake but it does sort of take the long way around, morally speaking, to clue Veronica in on the entire story. Because while a drunk proposal is questionable, what's going on right now is practically cheating: She thinks she's been talked into marriage, and he's holding very tight to the entire secret. Which has a time limit on it.
Frank's at the free clinic for his disability checkup, and of course he's harassing everybody about their disabilities and assuming they're all gross liars like him. He laughs in the face of one neck-braced guy because they get the same amount of benefits and all Frank has to do is claim he gets migraines. (Which, part of the joke on this show is that they all have different jobs every week and all that, but how do you get migraines from a chicken carcass to the abdomen? Is he pulling multiple disability checks? Yeah, probably.) Anyway, nobody enjoys his company because he is the worst, and never moreso than when he's feeling chipper and friendly. Even in the sad free clinic, surrounded by social security people, he's still just a total downer.
Word for word, Veronica presents Fiona's doubts about their wedding. He's like, "Is this a Woman Test where I have to say the right thing?" which V points out is an automatic F if it were, and he wonders about what they would tell people, and she's like, "The wedding is off has a certain ring to it," but then she remembers that she's going to have to tell her mom, which is going to be horrible, and also that now she will not be getting a KitchenAid, so of course the only solution is fucking.
But yeah, I have often thought that would be a good enough reason to get married, so I'm feeling your pain, V. They're just so... Pretty. And weighty. Just looking at it, you know you're doing more than just simple mixing. You are cooking the shit out of a meal when you get the KA involved. I feel about them the way Debbie feels about old people and babies. What color would you want? Cobalt blue is classic, you're right. But the red is very, very shiny. I am saving the red KitchenAid for a personal reward once I solve at least half of my 99 problems. I will name it "Iorek Byrnison" and I will finally figure out what a pastry hook is for. I will hook some pastry all night long, baby.
Mama shows up at the door all "Here comes the bride!" and does some screaming of "I can't believe it!" that turns moments later into a different kind of "I can't believe it!" once they dry-run the cancellation on her. Of course she's like, "How could you do this to me?" and Kev makes the mistake of calling her Mama and it's all going south, so he tries this whole "until gay people can get married" thing, which... I will never have to make that call, and Lord knows I love me a wedding, but I think if I were straight I would totally refuse to get married on that basis. Even now, speaking as a veritable ticking timebomb of marital energy, I still think the whole thing's a little tacky. It's not enough to wait until we can, if you see what I'm saying: I want to wait until it absolutely does not matter.
Mama's all, "This isn't what your father wants!" and V reminds her that Daddy's dead and thus wants for very little, but Mama's unconvinced. Seems he set aside "a little something" for that special day. Things change and flip back to normal very fast, of course, because now it's not just the marriage but the home, maybe, and V is close to locking down normal forever. Of course, Kev knows there's still a hitch, so when he starts jerking at his collar and getting hives it looks like a joke from the 1970s but actually has nothing to do with cold feet. Which is a neat thing about this episode: Kev has no doubts about V, it's just this other thing, so he keeps acting like a nervous groom when the groom part is actually something he has no nerves about. You know?
One of Fiona's jobs is peeing. She pees for a friend with a government job, and this Sonny supplies her with tasty lasagna in return: It's still warm, the friend says, and Fiona hands over the pee: "So's this!" Everybody comes running for their "piss food" treat, and V shows up to take Deb to Target so they can register. They give you a little gun and you just shoot the things, it's like hunting but you don't need a license. Fiona wonders if Kev knows the marriage is back on, and V says yes and then, tastefully, "You tell that girl Sonny I will crap on a paper plate for her if it'll get me some of this grub!" I'll be sure and do that. Next time we're having High Tea, I will mention that.
Frank's got three balls, which he finds not only unremarkable but also strangely irrelevant to his migraines. The doc -- Mac's Mom from Sunny, always a charmer -- tells him to come back for a biopsy tomorrow, but Frank's just like, "He's my lucky charm! Gave me six kids!" The more we talk about Frank's balls the harder it is not to picture them. Like the show is whispering in your ear, Old Man Scrotum.
Fiona comes to the bar with Liam and Kev cutely is all, "Uh pretty sure you can't bring a baby into a bar, ma'am," and she reminds him you can't marry a buncha ladies either. And since her plan of pulling V off-course somehow didn't work, she's there to work the other end: Why doesn't V know? It's sweet, actually: "I'm afraid to tell her. I don't want to make her sad, Fi. It would break my heart to hurt her!" I mean, grow up, but that's very sweet and very, as it turns out, Kev. Fiona threatens to tell V herself, and then asks for some bottle milk from behind the bar. Always working it, our Fiona.
"The devil's in my balls, Billy, and he's comin' for the rest of me!" Fiona snarks at Frank and takes off, and Frank asks this Billy why it's always him. "Because you're an asshole, Frank." Allusions to that time Lance Armstrong gave Sheryl Crow cancer, and then V shows up all about how she wants to buy Old Man Parson's house. "You know, the one where the son went crazy and hit him with an axe?" She's all, we have to have things like credit scores and stuff, and finally he just takes her into the corner and says he can't marry her. Her face goes very, very sad, and you can see why he didn't want to say. "I'm already married," he says, and he's really sad, and it's tough.
But then they're at home and she's looking at the wedding pictures, an