...but maybe I could have shown a modicum of self-control
Meanwhile, the Jerk-Weed Jocks (soon-to-be Beer Swilling Fratties), led by Mike Dexter (whose yearbook snap is all sports), are stuffing their maws at the local Frosty stand. Mike convinces his fellow Jerk-Weed toadies to follow his example and break up with their girlfriends so as to leave them open to all women everywhere. Especially college women. Yeah, because college women all aspire to date beer-breathing boys who belch the alphabet. Of course, some of them feel that belching the whole alphabet is an unrealistic goal and content themselves with just belching the vowels. The Jerk-Weed toadies hail Mike as their Neanderthal god as they tear off for the party. The next major character we meet is William Lichter, the over-achiever and valedictorian who has been tormented by Mike Dexter his whole life and wants revenge. Will's plans include Harvard, his activities are too numerous to list, and his quote comes from Einstein. Tonight, his plan is to rally his sci-fi-obsessed laddies, chloroform Mike, and catch him on Polaroids in flagrante homo-dilecto with one of his Jerk-Weed jock bros (calling Christian Slater, you're wanted on the Heathers set). It is evident that Will is the "Farmer Ted, the King of the Dipshits" character (see: Anthony Michael Hall in Sixteen Candles). Enter Kenny "White Boyz in the Hood" Fisher, the white-wanna-be-black-kid. His yearbook snap has a quote from Tupac, and his future plans include going to UCLA and playing Oz on Buffy The Vampire Slayer. All Kenny "New Jack Cheese City" Fisher is concerned with is getting laid at the party. He's even got a Kama Sutra knapsack stuffed with condoms, books, candles, condoms, flavored oils, and condoms. His vocab consists of rearrangements of "yo," "I gots to gits," and "bitches." I love him.