...but maybe I could have shown a modicum of self-control
Kenny gets his first shot at sex with some chick who wants to get even with her cheating boyfriend. She tells him to meet her in the pool house, and Kenny darts off to bone up on his Kama Sutra before meeting her there. Finding a long line outside the bathroom, he bribes Party Girl into letting him use the upstairs one with the information that he saw the foreign exchange student marking up the family portrait. As Kenny runs upstairs with his "Love Kit," Party Girl screams for him not to close the door all the way because "it's sorta broken." I think we can see what's coming. Run DMC's "It's Tricky" cranks up and Kenny starts practicing his Kama Sutra positions. Somehow he ends up spilling water on his jeans and tries to use a blow dryer to remedy it so the pool house chick won't think "[he's] got premature evacuation." Did I mention that I'm engaged to Seth Green? In another part of the party, Denise, left on her own, feels really out of it. The only people who talk to her only do so to prove to their friends that she really did go to their school. To top it all off, she gets silly string squirted in her hair and a "funny" brownie slapped across her face, which some baked dude attempts to lick off her face -- "I don't want to waste this," he slurps. Denise is repulsed and runs upstairs to clean herself up in the bathroom, but is faced with the site of Kenny blowing himself -- with the dryer -- and several packs of condoms in his mouth. Denise screams and bangs the door shut in her effort to get the hell out and Kenny manages to rip the doorknob off. They're stuck with each other.
Amanda waxes philosophical about never really realizing that Mike has always been a jerk all these years until he broke up with her. Only now, she doesn't know who she is without him. Can I ask you how that is possible? How shallow must you be to not know who you are because of some boyfriend, and furthermore to have that relationship be what defines you? Slimy Eurotrash Cousin tickles the ivories and acts sympathetic. Deep down, he's thinking, "If I lower my eyes, I won't see that billboard of a forehead, just her dinners." In a parallel movie moment, Preston waxes sappy. He explains that his letter to Amanda is not only that he thinks she's more than the Homecoming Queen and Mike's girlfriend; not just that he thinks "there's this really amazing person inside of her that no one bothers to see [yes, and the doctors say if they remove her, she'll die]," but that she should just give him a chance. His sympathetic listener turns out to be the Aryan exchange student, who responds, "Would you like to touch my penis?" I guess I forgot to explain that, earlier, among other similarly witty things, some partiers were teaching him useful English phrases. I think I must've been laughing too hard, which caused a brain clot, which would explain my forgetfulness. Preston runs away as Aryan exchange student shouts after him, "I am a sex machine!" You can see how I would have trouble remembering amid the ensuing hilarity.