...but maybe I could have shown a modicum of self-control
Downstairs, Will "Captain Picard" Lichter gets all Axl in "Paradise City," which includes having chicks flash their dinners at him, getting passed around the crowd, and ending up in the "Makeout Room" (there's only one makeout room?) with, count them, two chicks. Stud. Outside, Mike learns a valuable lesson from a past high-school football legend played by Jerry O'Connell. Jerry tells him that in college, dudes like the two of them are "a dime a dozen" (I thought he was going to say "a dying breed") and that college women only want pre-meds. Mike takes all this to heart and attempts to get back together with Amanda -- whose hair has undergone a body wave between this segment and the last. In a very public moment, Amanda tells him to smeg off, which results in everything with a third leg trying to get with her. Strangely enough, Amanda gets really peeved, so when Preston finally makes his move, she pins his ears back and stalks out of the party. Of course, it's another one of those cases of mistaken identity that always make love stories so original. Not.
Turns out it's Kenny "Wolf in Virgin's Clothing" Fisher's "first time," so the actual coitus doesn't last for very longus. Denise clumsily tries to tell him it's okay, but Kenny gets peeved and reverts back to his old Kenny "Special Sauce" Fisher self, blaming Denise for his limp performance. Denise is hurt and storms out of the bathroom, when Party Girl throws open the door and starts screaming because the police just busted up the party. Kenny catches up to Denise in his car and apologizes. They kiss.
In order to complete his Heathers-inspired mission of vengeance, Will "Guns 'n' Roses" Lichter tries to entice Mike to the pool house but ends up being a sympathetic friend instead. Aww. The worm turns when cops bust through the house, and Mike and Will run outside together, only to be ambushed by Will's friends. After taking Polaroids of the comatose couple, Geek 1 and Geek 2 realize it's Will, but leave him because they hear the cops coming. The cops find Mike and Will half-nekkid, insensible, and surrounded by sexual paraphenalia. They're both tossed into the hoose-gow but somehow Mike has an Unusual Niceness of Being and tells the cops he's to blame for everything. Will is sprung.