Time of Your Life
Can’t Hardly Wait

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Keckler: D+ | Grade It Now!
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...but maybe I could have shown a modicum of self-control
Meanwhile, the Jerk-Weed Jocks (soon-to-be Beer Swilling Fratties), led by Mike Dexter (whose yearbook snap is all sports), are stuffing their maws at the local Frosty stand. Mike convinces his fellow Jerk-Weed toadies to follow his example and break up with their girlfriends so as to leave them open to all women everywhere. Especially college women. Yeah, because college women all aspire to date beer-breathing boys who belch the alphabet. Of course, some of them feel that belching the whole alphabet is an unrealistic goal and content themselves with just belching the vowels. The Jerk-Weed toadies hail Mike as their Neanderthal god as they tear off for the party. The next major character we meet is William Lichter, the over-achiever and valedictorian who has been tormented by Mike Dexter his whole life and wants revenge. Will's plans include Harvard, his activities are too numerous to list, and his quote comes from Einstein. Tonight, his plan is to rally his sci-fi-obsessed laddies, chloroform Mike, and catch him on Polaroids in flagrante homo-dilecto with one of his Jerk-Weed jock bros (calling Christian Slater, you're wanted on the Heathers set). It is evident that Will is the "Farmer Ted, the King of the Dipshits" character (see: Anthony Michael Hall in Sixteen Candles). Enter Kenny "White Boyz in the Hood" Fisher, the white-wanna-be-black-kid. His yearbook snap has a quote from Tupac, and his future plans include going to UCLA and playing Oz on Buffy The Vampire Slayer. All Kenny "New Jack Cheese City" Fisher is concerned with is getting laid at the party. He's even got a Kama Sutra knapsack stuffed with condoms, books, candles, condoms, flavored oils, and condoms. His vocab consists of rearrangements of "yo," "I gots to gits," and "bitches." I love him. Preston pulls up at the party (it's a "key party" where everyone drops their keys in a jar to keep them from drunk driving [see: Say Anything]. Responsible, yes. Original, no) and tells Denise that he has "the letter" (see: C. Thomas Howell, Secret Admirer). Denise scoffs about his four-year revision of said letter. I join Denise in her scoffing when Fate smacks Preston again as Barry Manilow's "Mandy" comes on the radio (Geddit? Amanda = Mandy). Denise tells Preston that he's lame and that the song is about Manilow's pooch. Inside the party, Sabrina "Maximum Overdrive" the Teenage Witch is playing a pig-tailed Patty Simcox (go Greased lightning!), bouncing about and tormenting everyone until they sign her yearbook. Kenny "Special K" Fisher arrives wi' his posse and declares it's time to get "bizzah" because "time is honeys." Posse Member 1 asks Posse Member 2, "Hey, yo, d'you think he's gonna hizzit the skizzins?" Wha'? I so miss Seth Green on Buffy. Will "Gates" Lichter puts his cronies on the roof of the house and tells them to expect him at 00:30 hours. No fears, he tells them; if he has to drink to blend in, he's got a guide printed from the web that'll tell him how much he can have without impairing his judgment. Meanwhile, the Jerk-Weed Jock Squad shows up at the party and the toadies greet their girlfriends, a cat pack that includes Ferretarentella (tm Manimal), only to be reminded by Mike "The Ringleader" Dexter about their "game plan." However, before any classhole action can be taken, a hush falls, stirred only by whispers of "Look!" and "I can't believe she came!" In walks a bushy-eyebrowed Jennifer Love Hewitt as Amanda, self-conscious and modest. Amanda, the poor, misunderstood, wronged Homecoming Queen whose future is undecided, and whose defining quote comes from Jewel (which is even more pathetic than having a defining quote from Tupac). Preston's face lights up, but she passes him by to greet her friends, the Cheerleaders (a.k.a. girlfriends of the Jock Squad). Mike ignores her, and the Jock Squad's girlfriends close around her in a viper's consoling embrace.

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