MONDO EXTRAS

Back to the relative present. Hepwitt is staring off into the distance at this memory, and the make-up woman dabs a tear away. The stagehand reminds her to take her place. Arms linked, Hepwitt takes a stroll with her cabbie friend and asks about his daughter, on whom the cabbie obviously dotes. Continuity issue: Hepwitt was about to step into the cab when she had her acid flashback and now she's walking down the set to get to it. The cabbie tells Hepwitt that his daughter told him when she grows up, she wants to be just like Hepwitt. Hepwitt exhales and says, "Oooh, just don't let her grow up to be as nehvous as I am." I've noticed that Jennifer Love affects a lot of odd head bobbing and chin tucking in her effort to imitate Hepburn.

Young Audrey has grown into Teen Audrey, who is sitting on the floor of her bedroom pouting about being send to boarding school in England. Where Young Audrey actually bore some resemblances to Hepburn, Teen Audrey looks more like a Teen Hewitt. Her Muppet-mouthed Audrey accent is just as horribly over-pronounced and, like Hewitt, she always sounds like she's sucking in her breath when she talks. She's also dressed like Leslie Caron in Gigi, which I guess is supposed to be some sort of foreshadowing. Teen Audrey pouts about not being able to live in London with "Fa-tha," who, we are told by Ma Hepburn, hasn't bothered to contact his daughter in five years. Ma Hepburn holds her tongue admirably as Teen Hepburn whines about her mother not being able to tell her father that she would be in England because Ma Hepburn doesn't even know where he is. The last bit Teen Hepburn says in very accusing tones. Like a good mother, Ma Hepburn tells her daughter that Pa Hepburn's silence has nothing to do with her. Upon arriving at the boarding school, Ma Hepburn explains to her daughter that they don't have enough money to allow her to visit Teen Audrey on holidays, but assures her that she'll be invited to stay with school friends. The officious headmistress greets them and brings Teen Audrey in "to get settled." Teen Audrey meets her blonde roommate, Klara, who is on her way to dance class. Klara asks if Teen Audrey is a dancer. "I'm not anything that I know of," Teen Audrey says pitifully. After visiting the dance class, Teen Audrey is entranced by the idea of studying dance. In the next scene, Teen Audrey is suited up in a pink leotard and tights like the rest of the students in the class and is practicing pliés. In between dance class montages, Teen Audrey attempts to get her father on the phone but is unsuccessful. At one point, she calls when her father is at home, but he won't come to the phone. Later, in their room, Klara tells Audrey that she wishes her own parents would disappear so they wouldn't always complain and tell her how "unacceptable" she is. Teen Audrey says that her mother doesn't do that, but tells her she can be anything she wants. Well, goody for you. Klara, on the other hand, says she would like to keep her parents in a glass case "like in a wax museum, all dressed up to go out but never actually going anywhere again." How macabre. The girls lie in bed and talk about what they will do when they are married with children and what they want their husbands to look like. Looking "marvelous in a tuxedo." What twaddle! Europeans, and especially the British, do not say "tuxedo." In fact they scoff heartily at that word. If she were truly European, or if the writers had done any amount of research, she would have said "dinner jacket" or "DJ."