Time of Your Life
The Time The Millennium Approached

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Keckler: D | 1 USERS: A+
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The Time The Millennium Approached

J.B.'s at work, hosing down someone's follicles, when he hears a desperate "Hello?" from behind a changing screen. J.B. walks over to the screen and asks if he can help the disembodied voice. The Disembodied Voice says, "Thank God, somebody. Okay, listen: I am in here, obviously, and I am changing into my dressing gown thing, and the room is feeling just a little bit smaller than I thought it would." J.B. says, "Oh, so you're claustrophobic?" and the D.V. says, "Well, yeah, okay, maybe a little. And my zipper's stuck and I'm just starting to lose it in here." J.B. offers to help her, but she stops him, saying that she is half-nekkid. The D.V. asks him to just stand out there and distract her. J.B. says, "If you just want to hear the sound of my voice, maybe I can just say words until you get out of there." ("Say words"? Does he mean "talk"?) J.B. starts saying words: "Um, comb...brush...towel...sink..." (Okay, so he literally meant "say words.") The door slides open and a brunette steps out. "Wow" is J.B.'s next word. "Wow, yourself," says the Previously Claustrophobic Disembodied Voice Who Has Turned Into a Calm and Collected Throaty-Voiced Brunette Wearing Just a Dressing Gown. "Thank you so much, you have been a brick through all of this," says the Throaty-Voiced Brunette, who gives him a pert smile and walks away. Put your tongue back in your mouth, J.B.

Sarah arrives home with a bag of groceries complaining about the lines: "It's like Armageddon out there!" Yeah, because freaks like you all thought the world was going to come to an end at the stroke of midnight. Sarah says that she got "lots of rice and beans, and some dehydrated soup -- oh and, since you've been feeling a little depressed lately, I decided to splurge --" Sarah realizes she's talking to an empty room and that the television noise is coming from Platypus's bedroom. "Oh," Sarah says on seeing Platypus, who pretends to be reading a magazine. Sarah holds up a bottle of champagne: "Ta-da!" When Sarah comments that Platypus moved the TV, Platypus says, "You were bitching about me watching it in your room, so --" Sarah corrects her by saying that she didn't have a problem with the TV being in the other room, she had a problem with Platypus parking her behind on Sarah's bed: "And now, if I want to watch it, I gotta go in your room?" Platypus tells her it's her TV in a case-closed tone of voice. Yes, shut up, Sarah. Sarah says, "Okay, yes, that's true. But I'm the only one paying the power bill. So, yes, it's your TV, but it's my electricity, so maybe we should make the decisions together." Platypus responds, "Along with who gets the bedroom, right?" Do I smell a knock-down-drag-out fight? Sarah answers, "Well, yeah, that's fair." Platypus starts to get heated up: "'Fair'? Sarah, this is my place. Mine." Sarah complains, "So, paying rent entitles me to what, exactly? God, my name is not even on the lease!" Platypus: "And you think it should be? Look, Sarah, the only reason you're staying here is I took you in out of the goodness of my heart!" Sarah can't believe her sticking-out ears: "What?" Platypus continues, "And paying rent does not mean you can think of this place as half yours. You lucked into it. All you did was knock on the door and drop your bags. Which is not the same thing as spending ten months scouring the real estate section and the obituary sections and then finally finding the place and having to bribe the super, and fixing it up with stuff I found on the curb, and dragging it up three flights. I have had it with your sense of entitlement. [Go, Platypus, go!] I mean, you may sleep here, but this is my home. All you are is a guest!" To this long-overdue and highly satisfying tongue-lashing, all Sarah can say is, "God." But she says it with real feeling. Platypus is still trying out for a role a mental patient as she kicks into high-gear hysterics and shrieks, "Do you think living with me is so miserable? You think you can do so much better? Then, fine, get out of here! Just go! Leave!" Sarah gets the point: "Fine, you want me out? Fine!" and stomps away.

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Time of Your Life

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