Time of Your Life
The Time They Cheated

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It's Baaaaaaaaaaack

And now it's time for New Zealand commercials! When I lived in the UK, the commercials were not annoying interruptions like they are here, they were true art, just another extension of East Enders, Ready Steady Cook, or whatever other show you happened to be watching. In this case, TOYL is the annoying interruption in what would otherwise be a satisfying romp through the New Zealand culture, complete with those plummy accents. The first is a totally wacky Bounty Bar (Bounty Bars, yum!) commercial where the chick takes a bite and suddenly her face gets painted in animal markings and she fantasizes about swimming with a studly island man. Oh, so that's where the "MacDunnold's" McRib sandwich went: to New Zealand. Only in the UK, and now NZ, have I seen adverts showing Philadelphia Cream Cheese being spread on thick, crusty bread. Over here, it's bagel this and bagel that -- how healthy and how boring.

And now back to our regularly scheduled bad taste. Platypus is stapling letters to her head -- er, make that head shots -- when J.B. walks in, telling her he got her tickets to a Joan Crawford movie marathon. "After all that has happened, I thought it would be nice to do something fun," J.B. says. Yeah, like seeing Whatever Happened to Baby Jane will make Platypus forget that her friend was murdered. Sure. When did she come back from Oregon anyway? Platypus blows him off, telling him that getting a new agent "has to take priority right now. They won't let me in without an agent. The best thing you can do for me right now is tell me you understand." J.B. offers to help stuff envelopes. ["Am I the only one who finds the whole straight man/Joan Crawford tickets thing somewhat suspect?" -- Sars]

At the Youthful Offenders audition, Scraggle introduces Sarah, whose hair looks like she took a random bite out of live telephone wire on the walk over. Guess that's the new "hip" rock-star look I'm not familiar with, but it looks like she went hog wild with a crimping iron. Spud offers his hand: "I'm Spud, don't ask." What is with this "don't ask" business? It's not like it's the friggin' NSA. So the guy likes potatoes, big whoop. Sarah sticks out her dinners and strikes a flirt pose, "Nice to meet you Spud, I'm not asking." Spud introduces Sarah to the rest of the band; she bestows upon each of them a dinner thrust and a toothy grin. Spud tells the band that Sarah's the one doing "She's So Fine." Of course she is, because Little Miss Executive Producer wouldn't have it any other way. Why don't they just sing a little song dedicated to the wonder that is Jennifer Love Hewitt? I'll hum a few bars for you, to the tune of D'yer Maker: "Oh oh oh oh oh oh/Your show had to go-oh/Oh, oh, oh-oh/Your show had to go-oh/oh, oh, oh-oh./Your show had to go/Ay ay ay ay ay ay/All those beers I imbib'd./Ay, ay, ay, ay/All those beers I imbib'd/Ay, ay, ay, ay-ay/Hepwitt please, please go!/When I saw the program they wrote you/It made me mad mad mad/When I read the reviews that smote you/It made me glad glad glad/'Cuz I still hate you so/You just have to go/I ha-ate you./Oh, Hepwitt, I hate you!"

No such luck. Instead, Sarah peels off her jacket (exposing a tight sleeveless red shirt) and hands it to Maguire. She prances up onto the stage, showing off her butt, which has been squeezed into black leather pants, and begins to sing. And I begin to drink a tall glass of gov'ner's best hock. The band scene fades out, but Sarah is still singing, without music. Turns out she's giving Spencer his own private concert as they take a horse-drawn carriage ride down the busy streets of New York. First his own private strip show and now his own private concert -- does the girl have no shame? Spencer is wowed by her talent. Either that, or someone watched reruns of Seinfeld and fed the horse a can of beans. Sarah tells him, "Spud, when I finished, he said, 'Totally freakin' awesome!' Direct quote." "Spud?" Spencer asks. "Don't ask," Sarah says, falling into the whole Youthful Offenders tradition. "Anyways," she goes on, not wanting the conversation to be diverted from her for a minute, "these guys just got signed to do their first CD, and if I get it, I mean this could be a really great start!" Spencer says she already told him that part. Sarah apologizes for boring him, but Spencer protests that he "likes seeing [her] all fired up!" Sarah gives him a look and says she thinks it really "bizarre" that they are sitting there together and he is actually interested in her life. "I am," Spencer confirms. They start to kiss, but Sarah stops him, reminding him of that little thing he has in his life called a steady supermodel girlfriend. They agree that Leia has to be told about them before anything progresses. I'd like to comment that in this scene, JLH's makeup looks like someone thrust her face into a bucket of tar and then cleared out spaces for her cheeks and mouth just so they could smear blood on them. In simpler terms, she looks like a hooker.

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