Sarah complains about there not being any jobs out there for which she is qualified, and Spencer hands her some more bad news: Leia won't be coming back for another ten days. Sarah whines that it's as if Leia knows what's going on between them and she is subjecting them to "Chinese water torture." Yep, you heard it here first, folks: the Most Selfish Woman in the World. Don't try to challenge her title because she's invincible. Spencer suggests they go out for a night on the town as friends. Sarah argues that no matter how Spencer tries to dress it up, it's still a date. Spencer tells her he will make the night the antithesis of romantic. Sarah agrees.
Platypus goes back to Jeffrey Woodruff's office and tells Turtleneck Boy that Mr. Woodruff was trying to get in touch with her. Turtleneck Boy turns bitchy. "I highly doubt it, the role has been cast," he tells her. At that moment, Mr. Woodruff comes out of his office and exclaims, "There you are!" and tells Turtleneck Boy to get Platypus a script and a rehearsal schedule. Turtleneck Boy rolls his eyes and walks off. Mr. Woodruff tells her he wants her to understudy the part of Izzy. Platypus goes nuts. Mr. Woodruff tells her when rehearsal starts, and advises her to get a new agent. Oh, ha, ha, how ironic. Not. Turtleneck Bitch comes out and hands her some papers, glaring all the while. Platypus smiles sweetly at him. "I know, 'Congratulations,'" she says before waddling out the door.
At home, Platypus explains to J.B. what it means to be an understudy. "So all we gotta do now is hope that this Theresa Bouillay person comes down with mono or something, right?" J.B. asks. Platypus asks if that's bad to hope for. J.B. tells her it would only be bad to hope for physical injury or death. Well, then I guess I should hightail it to confession, since I've long prayed for the deaths of a number of characters on this show. Platypus spouts on about how great it was that she just saw something she wanted, then went after it and got it. J.B. asks her if he could do that. Platypus says sure. "Good, because I know what I want," J.B. says, moving in for the kill. He kisses her, but she stops him and tells him she feels horrible, because if it weren't for him she wouldn't have come back from Oregon. J.B. doesn't see why this is a problem, but Platypus plays her selfish card and tells him that she really only wants one thing right now, and that there's only room for that one thing in her life.
Spencer takes Sarah to a senior citizens' Bingo game. They lose. "Now how about a Mad Cow burger at a national chain?" Spencer asks her. Well, at least we know they aren't sponsored by McDonald's. Not like Young Americans' summer love affair with Coca-Cola. On the way home, Sarah complains that she didn't get a college degree. Spencer tells her he doesn't have one either. "You're kidding? You're so successful!" Sarah crows. Spencer says his father was always bragging about being a self-made man, so Spencer decided to be one as well. What does Spencer do, exactly? Spencer tells her to find something she's good at and turn it into a business: "Be your own boss, Sarah, call your own shots. Oh, my God, I sound like a motivational speaker. I hate motivational speakers," Spencer says. Well, don't tell Matt Foley that, unless you want to end up LIVING IN A VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER! Spencer asks if the date was unromantic enough for her. Sarah is about to answer when it starts to rain. Curse those amorous weather gods! Sarah squeals as it rains harder. A random drive-by shooting would be appropriate here. I don't know what she honking about, since it will certainly make her already clingy clothing cling even more. Amidst her squeals, Sarah pulls Spencer into a doorway and they huddle. Suddenly, the fifties song, "I Only Have Eyes For You" (which was Carrie and Austin's song on Days of Our Lives, and whose refrain I am convinced is "Beelzebub") starts up. Spencer comments that they could be there all night, but rules are rules. Sarah nods. They make out anyway.