Time of Your Life
The Time They Got E-Rotic

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Keckler: D | Grade It Now!
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The time they had cybersex

Nice little preview of the hot "Summer of Love" we have to look forward to: Sarah Merrin Spewitt salsa dancing in some red frilly ensemble, Spewitt kissing Spencer in the rain (trite!), and a whole lotta glam shots of Spewitt being introspective, i.e. "Gee, I wonder if this tight shirt does enough to make my dinners defy gravity"; Spewitt acting coy: "Why don't you find out for yourself if my dinners are silicon-free; Carson did!" Spewitt looking exhilarated: "Now I have two dressing rooms: one for me and one for my dinners!"

Male voice-over tells us that all we needed to know is that Sarah came to New York to find her father (insert tearful shot of Sarah getting snot all over herself) and that she's "still looking" -- and if by "looking" they mean "not looking at all since the second episode," then I guess I will accept that. Voice-over continues: "She found a roommate named Romy, an aspiring actress." Give it up for Romy the Duck-Billed Platypus, the only one who told Sarah how self-absorbed she was. You gotta respect the effort it must've taken for her to do that through those huge lips of hers. Voice-over: "She met Maguire; he had issues." Snort. Voice-over: "She met Spencer. He was something else." Roll clip of Sarah's attempt to insult Spencer at the museum party. Voice-over: "It wasn't all she dreamt it would be, but she's not giving up. [The weather report at the bottom of my screen tells me that an Anvil Shower Warning is in effect for the whole FOX network, courtesy of co-producer Jennifer Love Hewitt's eternal spunkiness and refusal to let her show go gentle into that good night.] Time of Your Life begins right now."

I think I need to take my brand-new TV back to Best Buy, because the picture quality is really poor. Everything is dark. Oh, wait, I'm wrong, it's just the opening scene. Sarah walks into Spencer's stepmom's swanky apartment and calls out for Flynn. Spencer emerges from the shadows to tell her that there's no one there because Ashley is at her therapist and Flynn's real mother is visiting, so Sarah's presence isn't needed anymore. Sarah starts to get stroppy: "I work for Ashley, not you." Spencer tells her that Ashley has no use for her either, and Sarah retorts that they have birthing class that afternoon. Spencer condescendingly tells her that she can female-bond with his stepmother on her own time: "My father is not paying you two hundred bucks a week to baby-sit his wife." Why exactly does Spencer care when it isn't even his money? It's not like he'll get any dosh out of his old man when he bites the dust -- it'll all go to Ashley's yet-unborn brat. Sarah tells him she can't believe he's the same person who organized her twenty-first birthday party, but she stands her ground, the plucky little thing, and tells him that since Ashley hired her, it will be Ashley who fires her. Spencer freaks out and says that she's a huge inconvenience: "Look, I can't deal with anything else this morning. I don't know what the hell's going on today. Maybe the planets are all lined up and you're all having your periods or something!" Spencer slams the door behind him as Sarah tells him he's "completely disgusting."

At Sarah's apartment, Sarah walks in with Leya, who is complaining in her fuzz-brained voice that Spencer is terrible because he wouldn't let her go to Greenland to do a bikini photo shoot on a glacier. I guess that's supposed to make all the impressionable males in the audience think about what happens to dinners when the temperature gets nipply. Leya goes on, "He said that if I cared for him, I would put the relationship before my work." Leya is in a quandary and asks Sarah for advice. Sarah tells her to go on the shoot and not tell Spencer but send him an email instead. Leya thinks that's a great idea, but there's a fly in the old proverbial ointment: "But how do I do that? I have like three websites but I have no idea how to go online." I guess that's because dorking out on the Internet might cause her to lose her model looks. ["I think that was a shout-out, but I could be wrong." -- Sars] Leya asks Sarah not only to send the email, but to actually write the email. "'Cause if I write it, it will be really boring," Leya concedes. Sarah gets excited and asks if Leya wants her to really let Spencer have it. Sarah dictates a sample of her work: "'Dear Spencer, your attempt at emotional blackmail failed. I'm heading to Greenland, but let me just say as I go . . .'" Blah, blah, blah venting spleencakes. "Something like that?" Sarah asks, done with projecting her own feelings for Spencer. Leya stares up at Sarah in worshipful wonder. God, if it isn't a man staring at her in worshipful wonder, it's a woman. Dear Love Hewitt: please go to Sydney, compete in the pole vault, and get over yourself! All the best, keckler. So, Sarah's to play Cyrano, but they changed the script slightly; instead of a big nose, she'll have big dinners.

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Time of Your Life

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