Time of Your Life
The Time They Got E-Rotic

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The time they had cybersex

Sarah is talking to someone on the phone about canceling an email account: "No, I don't want to cancel the whole account. Just one sub-account, LongLegs2000. No, not Smerrin." Oh, so that's how the slippery little trickster put over a de Bergerac on Spencer_4Hire. Meanwhile, her product-placed excite.com account gives her the Instant Message ting-a-ling. Let's regroup -- she's on the phone, yet she's connected to the Internet? I have a full-time, salaried position and I still can't afford a lousy cable modem in Boston, yet suddenly she who makes two hundred a week can? Hey, FOX, you got a bridge you wanna sell me, too? Sarah is so distracted by her IM that she tells the excite.com people she has to call them back. There's a bit of back and forth between Spencer and Sarah. Spencer admits his shortcomings in the relationship department and blames it on his father's influence: "I'm my father's son. He left every woman he ever cared about. I'm not as dramatic, I just throw a temper tantrum whenever someone gets too close. I just need someone to tell me to stop. You don't do that. You never stand up to me. Until last night." Spencer even writes that Sarah stands up to him. "Well," Sarah writes, "I'm not Sarah." Yeah, so there!

J.B. ushers Bar Mitzvah Mother and son into Scraggle's music shoppe and tells Scraggle that they are performing at the bar mitzvah the next day. The bar mitzvah boy fills Scraggle in on his musical tastes: "Okay, no Britney Spears, she's so lame. But definitely Backstreet Boys, 'N Sync --" Scraggle interrupts him and tells the kid just to make a list while he has a private confab with J.B. I'm just wondering why Hewitt didn't insist that her boyfriend's band, LFO, get mentioned in that list. Scraggle tells J.B. that they don't know anything about bar mitzvahs and that "[he's] not spinning that music." He feels strongly about that one, because he says it twice. A bit snobbish for someone who's two steps away from eviction, isn't he? Which is pretty much what J.B. tells him in order to shut him up. Scraggle schlumps back to their clients behind J.B. "Oh, and here's the address of the costume shop. You have to be there by five," the mother tells them. "Costume shop?" Scraggle asks. "It's a western theme," J.B. explains. "I'm the sheriff and you're my deputy." At Scraggle's glare, J.B. reconsiders: "Or you can be the sheriff."

Mollie and Platypus are walking home from Platypus's drama class, and Mollie is prattling on about how great Platypus's drama teacher was about letting her sit in on the class. She tells Platypus she's just having the best time in New York and that Platypus has this great life, great friends, success as an actress. Platypus interjects that she hasn't made it yet, and lucky for her she did interject, because otherwise I would be forced to mention that two commercials and a non-speaking part on a soap do not an actress make. Glad I didn't have to reiterate that. Oh, look. I just did. Mollie tells Platypus she wants her life (so, um, when do you dye your hair, Hedda?) and says she's decided to stay. Platypus is shocked beyond speech. Of course, her mouth is also stuffed full with a pretzel. All she can manage is a weak smile.

Sarah casually saunters over to her laptop and sees that she has no mail. Spencer, shirtless and in boxers, hears his computer tinging at him, so he goes over to investigate and sees that LongLegs2000 is online. Sarah writes, "Hey," and then says to herself, "Oh, she'd do a little smiley," so she writes, "Hey. :) " Ah, the forgotten art of smileys. So subtle, so meaningful, so punctuated. Geddit? A colon and an end parenthesis? Punctuated? Never mind. Spencer tells Sarah-as-Leya that he's decided not to be so bossy, and that he wants her to be in charge. "Meaning?" Sarah writes. "What are you wearing?" Spencer writes. I see -- he wants her to be in charge of the sex stuff. That's really, uh, big of him. Sarah writes that she's wearing pajamas. Eeeew! Spencer's chest is glistening, like he's sweaty. That's not attractive in the least, and all I can think of is that scene from The Spy Who Shagged Me when Heather Graham is in bed with a greasy Fat Bastard. Spencer asks, "The silk ones? Did you ever get that strawberry juice out? That was a hot night," and the closed-captioning says he "chuckles." Sarah is taken aback. Maybe it's occurred to her that talking intimately online with someone else's boyfriend isn't quite kosher. Sarah asks what Spencer is wearing. Or maybe not. Spencer tells her, "White boxer briefs. The ones you videoed me in." Yuck, yuck, yuck! Videoed him doing what? "So go ahead, Lay, you're in charge. I'll do anything you want," Spencer types provocatively. Of course, it's fairly easy to be provocative when you are calling someone "Lay." Nothing more from either one of them -- just cheese-stuffed sax music and typing. Okay, all we need is for them to take a bath, make tuna fish sandwiches, and get Garofalo and Chaplin on the set. Please? Then Spencer says, "Oh, yeah," and I am saved by a Passat commercial.

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