Titans
Pilot

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Meet the Titans
This is one of the most poorly attended rehearsal dinners ever. Heather, Richard, Peter, Chandler, and Laurie and are the only people there. Doesn't Heather have any family, friends, co-workers? Guess not. When pressed, Heather lies (I'm going out on a limb here and saying that it's a lie; I pray that future episodes bear me out on this) that her parents both died when she was seven. Her parents skidded on an icy road in Cleveland. She vowed at their funeral never to live where it snows. How noble. For some reason this has some importance, since it causes some looky-loo action between her and Chandler. Friends of her parents adopted her. Oh -- well, Chandler's adopted too. I guess this is where Spelling Entertainment thought that they would make things less disgusting by having Heather having sex with her future husband's non-blood-related son. Ya see, then it's only regular adultery rather than incest adultery. Phew, survived that moral dilemma. ["Unless they're setting it up for them to be brother and sister, biologically." -- Wing Chun] Heather is far more interested in Chandler's adoption than a child bride should be. Laurie notes how sad it must be that nobody will walk Heather down the aisle. Nonsense! Richard offers up either one of his two boys to handle the chore. He flips a coin and golly if Chandler doesn't win the toss. Heather agrees to her escort on one condition -- that he wear his navy uniform. She "always loved a man in uniform." Aha, wink wink, nudge nudge. Jenny arrives at the marina, tanked to the gills. We know that Billy is here because there's a swank automobile with a vanity plate that reads "Billy Be." She lets out with a loud "Ahoy Matey," and a mystery blonde woman emerges from the cabin. Jenny reasons that this must be Billy's sister Monica -- you know, the one he named the boat for, the way any man names his million-dollar yacht after his sister. It's the tradition of the sea. The blonde informs Jenny that she is, in fact, Billy's wife -- also coincidentally named Monica, just like his sister. Ah, his wife. Yes, that makes more sense. Okay, so this is the big secret that nobody but Laurie knew? I would say that Monica probably knew this, as did any friends and relatives who were at the wedding. Now Billy emerges wondering what the commotion is all about. Yikes! How did this happen? Let's see, I took my mistress to my boat, which is named after my wife. Surely the two of them will never be there at the same time. As Billy flounders around for an explanation, Jenny makes an intentionally bad cover for her presence there. We knew that Billy wasn't a great actor, but he even acts badly when he's supposed to be acting badly. He just keeps wildly shifting his eyes from his wife to his mistress. (I thought it was important to use the word "mistress" at least once in this recap.) Drunk, embarrassed and looking nasty in yellow, Jenny runs back to her car. She hops in, starts to cry and then rams her car into Billy's. She pulls out and rams his car again. You go girl!

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Titans

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