Secrets And Thighs

Episode Report Card
Benzoate: C+ | Grade It Now!
A Date With Danger

Laurie calls David in a panic over Jenny's whereabouts. He tells her not to worry, since she's taking part in his own twelve-step program. Of course, steps three through nine are all the same, and step eleven involves chocolate pudding and a bathtub.

Peter and Jack are arguing back at the mansion over Samantha's demotion. Oh, what a coincidence: here's Samantha now. Nobody ever told her about a demotion. Jack felt it would be best that she and Heather share the reins of DressBarn.com. Peter spells out Heather's track record so far at Williams Global: one majorly dysfunctional wedding, one Oedipally mucked-up brother, one patriarch who died during intercourse, and now the miscarriage of a child no one wanted in the first place! Wow, that was pretty good. Jack warns his nephew that he's about to be thrown out on his "proverbial ass." Though, I've never seen it up close, one would have to presume that Peter's ass is real enough. Peter dares to fire him. Doing so would set off a "scandal/lawsuit combo platter, the likes of which this town has never seen before." Oh, I don't know about that. He must have been out of town during the whole Eisner-Katzenberg lawsuit. Now that was scandalous. Peter storms out, and Samantha follows, wondering where he's going. "You want to know?" he asks. "You really want to know? Okay, come with me and I'll show you." Ooh! What secret place could he be taking her to. I hope it's not in the bowels of the Paris Opera House. I already know about that.

Gwen, meanwhile, is barging into Margot DuPruis's hotel room at the Beverly. A half-dressed, well-chiseled model emerges from the bedroom, grabs the rest of his clothes and bolts out the door. "Mon Dieu" [shot], Margot exclaims, "what are you doing here?" By the way, Margot's wrapped herself up in the bed sheets. Gwen would like to familiarize Ms. DuPruis with paragraph four, subsection five of the California Inns and Hotels act. I myself know that paragraph four, subsection two prohibits innkeepers from entering their guests' rooms unannounced, but I, too, am ignorant of subsection five. It states that innkeepers are allowed to refuse service to anyone they want, including French bitches who are trying to steal their hotels. Gwen rips up Margot's bill and stuffs it between her breasts (Margot's breasts, that is). She's got until noon to leave, or Gwen will throw her out herself.

Somewhere in the canyons, Peter and Samantha are spying on someone's back yard. Peter points to it and claims that it should be his life down there. His house, his wife, his child. A woman enters the backyard to tend to her baby. The woman we're all watching is Maureen. Peter met her when they were both nineteen and working summer jobs on a Utah ranch. Samantha should be slapped for letting that bit of information go by without even raising a suspicious painted-on eyebrow. Maureen was amazing and beautiful, in a simple kind of way. Richard disapproved of the relationship and threatened to disinherit Peter if he didn't break off the relationship. Peter chose to keep the money, breaking both their hearts. It should be mentioned right here that tears are streaming down his cheeks like he's Tammy Faye. Maybe it's his allergies. Because of all of this, Peter has put up a shield to protect his fragile heart. That's why he's so angry all the time and why he can't open up to anyone. He's so afraid of being hurt. It's also why he's so flamboyant and why he spends so much time in the country-club change room. More tears. Samantha assures him that she can see the good in him. Samantha, you are very stupid! Please go back to doing the laundry.

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