Titans
Stormy Heather

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"Do not have sexual relations with your father's wife; that would dishonor your father."

Last week on Titans: we met a brand new clansman -- Ethan Benchley; Jenny and David both expressed an interest in Goldschlager and each other; Chandler was about to go on a date with Samantha; Samantha became Heather's new first mate, and Heather begged out of a trip to Seattle with Richard so she could lather herself up with baby oil and jump her stepson's bones.

Tonight we pick up with Chandler and Heather doing the dry hump in the pool house. He picks her up and carries her a foot-and-a-half to the couch. He comes up for air and protests, "We can't do this." Okay, back for more nookie. She confesses how hard it is to sleep knowing that he's twenty feet away. It also must be hard sleeping next to that old Ben-Gay-smelling bag of wrinkles she calls a husband. She believes that now is their chance, as nobody's home. "What is this?" Chandler wonders. "You get married to my father and the first chance you get, you want to cheat on him?" Haven't you been watching either? He kisses her some more but then finally pushes her so hard that she falls to the floor and breaks a lamp. He demands that she stop it and stay away from him. On his way out, she asks him to say "hi" to Samantha. Ouch! "Just remember that the entire time you're with her, you'll be thinking of me," Samantha threatens. Plus, he'll come back smelling like Mr. Clean and Pledge. He'll be back, she warns. Of course he will -- that's his room.

Heather makes it back to her own suite, still gooey with Johnson's Baby Oil. Richard enters the room from the balcony. He canceled the meeting in Seattle. He notices that whatever was bothering her seems to have passed. He pulls out her whopper of an engagement ring. I guess she took it off before she went seducing. "Nice swim?" Richard asks. Silly her. She forgot a towel. Of course, there's absolutely no reason to offer up this lie except that it sets up Richard's next line: "And you found one in the pool house?" "Oh yes," she fibs. "Chandler was nice enough to lend me one." Richard appears stone-faced throughout these flimsy excuses. I can't tell if it's because he doesn't believe her, or if it's just Perry King's limited range. He perks up now that they're alone so he can finally get a little. Heather asks for a moment to shower as she still has the stink of Chandler on her.

Cut to Samantha's apartment. Chandler shows up at the door, only to tell her that he can't stay. It's not her, it's him. Ooh, original line there. He's not ready for this. But he was ready an hour ago. He's been thinking (no one's going to fall for that) that it's a bad time for him. "Could he be any more vague?" both Samantha and the audience wonder. Did she see him in the Omega Code? Samantha's not happy with his answers but allows for a rain check. He leaves, and she blows out the candles just like he blew out her love. Start title sequence.

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