Star Trek
TNG: “Sub Rosa”

Episode Report Card
Keckler: F | Grade It Now!
It's a Family Affair
In Nana's house, Troi looks at a framed photo and remarks over Nana's incredible green eyes. THIS WILL BE IMPORTANT LATER. Dr. Bev turns from where she's tending the fire and comments, "Every Howard woman has had green eyes. Except my mother and me." At Troi's prodding, Dr. Bev admits that she remembers her mother very well, but mostly she remembers Nana, who raised her after her mother died. At this point, Dr. Bev picks up a metal lamp and runs her hand over the flame. Rather than denouncing it as the faux-Bombay Pier 1 dented knock-off that it is, Troi exclaims, "That's bee-yoo-tiful!" and walks over to take a closer look. Dr. Bev explains that it's an heirloom and has been in the clan for generations: "It's supposed to symbolize the enduring Howard spirit -- wherever they may go, the shining light is to guide them through their fortune." Yeah, their orgasmic fortune. Dr. Bev says that Nana always kept it lit, and she remembers listening to ghost stories by the light of it. So, were these sexy ghost stories, Beverly? Dr. Bev plans to bring the Pier 1 incense burner back to the ship with her. Troi leaves Dr. Bev to her memories. Dr. Bev wraps herself in a (stained) afghan and starts reading Nana's diary. She goes upstairs. In walks Groundskeeper Willie, who snatches up the lamp and blows it out. Dr. Bev comes running downstairs and snatches it back and orders him out of her house. "I wouldnna be so high and mighty with me, Beverly Howard Crusher -- I've spent more time here in the past five years than ye have in the past twenty!" Groundskeeper Willie accuses, and says he looked after her grandmother and her affairs. Dr. Bev disputes this, retorting that her nana never mentioned him. "Oh, there's lotsa things she dinna talk about. Let me get rid of that damn candle!" Groundskeeper Willie tries to wrest the candle from Dr. Bev. Dr. Bev won't let him, even though Willie says the candle brought nothing but bad luck to her nana. They argue and struggle and Dr. Bev refuses to hand over her family orgasms without a sweaty fight that may or may not involve spanking and water games. She again orders Groundskeeper Willie out, and he fires a parting shot about stubborn Howard women and how he washes his hands of all of them. Dude, after what we learn, I'd wash my hands as well. On the ship, Data and Geordi help the governor with his weather control systems. The snouty governor bitches about his afternoon tea being interrupted by ground tremors. It seems that there's some odd business going on with unscheduled storms in the summer, so Data and Geordi decide to investigate. I think it would be awful to have your weather so predictable and regulated -- so boring, so unnatural. And yes, I'm saying that even after an unpredicted blizzard nearly trapped us in the Sierras last week. I just think you shouldn't screw with Mother Nature -- I don't care how technologically advanced you are. The governor gets all huffy in his sage green chenille cardigan about a Caber Toss the next day that would be ruined by an unexpected downpour. Yes, it's Scottish, WE GET IT!

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