Star Trek
TNG: “Sub Rosa”

Episode Report Card
Keckler: F | Grade It Now!
It's a Family Affair
On the ship, Worf reports the funny business going on with the weather around the planet. On screen, Riker and Picard observe the green mists engulfing the planet. "That's one helluva thunderstorm," Riker offers. Picard tells Engineering to do something about it. Data and Geordi come back with some technoweatherbabble and Picard tells them to "make it so." DRINK! I know I am. Not Scotland. Dr. Bev enters Nana's house to find it completely filled with pink camellia bushes. Dr. Bev swirls and whirls around and acts like a freak. A sex freak. The door slams shut behind her and there are footsteps upstairs. Dr. Bev calls out to whoever it is. She thinks it's Groundskeeper Willie. No answer. More banging. Ah, too easy. The camera follows her at that nauseating someone-is-carrying-the-camera-to-make-it-seem-more-scary/crazy/tense/Iron Giant angle. A mirror starts to bang itself on the wall. What IS it with my TNG recaps and all the sexual innuendos? Dr. Bev grabs the mirror from the wall and checks the back of it. Can you see what's coming? She replaces the mirror and sees Bonin's reflection as he is STANDING RIGHT BEHIND HER. Not a very romantic way to make an entrance -- scaring your lover to death. By the by, "little death" is how orgasms are referred to in the Joy of Sex book my parents had and didn't hide very well. Dr. Bev drops the mirror as she freaks and looks around her. There's nothing there but for the massive amounts of bush. Camellia bush, gad! Dr. Bev threatens the presence with Starfleet security guards. "Behehehvahhhly...Behehehvahhhly, I've come back for you," a disembodied Bonin rasps. Dr. Bev sits down on a window seat and wonders who he is. "Don't you remember? I CAME [emphasis mine] to you last night while you were asleep," Bonin rasps. Dr. Bev denies this and stands up to call the ship. As green lighting flashes, Dr. Bev sort of twitches and has a bit of a seizure as she pants and falls back into her chair. "Now do you remember me?" "Yeeeees," Dr. Bev moans. Ewwwww! She wants to know what's happening to her -- she feels so strange. "I love you Beverly," says Bonin in a tone completely devoid of emotion, "just as I loved Felica before you." Dr. Bev finally realizes that she's being aroused by Bonin. Bonin does something to her again and she jerks and twitches and smiles and looks like she's about to sneeze before she comes to her senses and runs to the stairs, demanding to know who he is. Bonin tells her that he's a spirit who was born in 1647 in Glasgow on Earth. He goes on that he fell in love with a Howard woman and when she died, Bonin "stayed" with her daughter and her daughter and all the Howard women after that. Were these women married? I mean, they all must have had children at some point to keep the family line going, but where were all the husbands when Bonin was getting up, under, and through their wives' chastity belts, petticoats, or pantaloons? All this time, Dr. Bev has been staggering up and down the stairs, barely able to walk because of all the orgasms. You think I'm kidding? Netflix the shit. Gytha didn't believe me until I made her drink and watch it. She drinks still. Bonin says that when Dr. Bev's family moved to this colony, he moved with them. With them, in them -- whatever. Dr. Bev doesn't believe him. "I believe that you are the most beautiful woman I have ever known," Bonin drones. "Oh, what's happening to me?" Dr. Bev pants and whines. Bonin says they are becoming one and are going to be together. "I don't understaaaaand!" Dr. Bev whimpers. She flings some camellias aside and demands, "Stop it!" Hey, sex genie in the lamp? No means no, dude.

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