Episode Report CardKeckler: C- | 3 USERS: B
YOU GRADE IT
A high-pitched seductive giggle -- though, honestly? Giggles as seduction is TOTALLY beyond me -- filters through some gauzy curtains, competing with the hooting tropical birds and bugs outside. Riker's voice calls out to "Etana" as she sneaks around. Still giggling. Still smackable. Riker, wrapped up in a big blue bathrobe, comes after her. They tussle and cavort and shriek and generally make me want to throw my television into the La Jolla Crossroads courtyard. Etana actually goes so far as to playfully snatch Riker's communicator and just as playfully toss it out the window. Why Riker doesn't subsequently toss her butt-headed alien ass out the window, I can't fathom. By the way, "butt-headed" is not meant to be an insult. It's a fact. The woman has two butt cheeks on her forehead and it's distressing. She also has weird slits for pupils that make her look like a goat. Or Satan. Basically, she's damn ugly, but Riker's totally into her. Big surprise. After Riker and Etana take their frolicking to the bed, Etana slides a headband over Riker's ears. It has two attachments -- they look like mouthpieces on hands-free headsets -- that jut out in front of the wearer's eyes. Etana tells him it's a game and switches it on. "Do I keep my eyes open or closed?" Riker asks. "Open," Etana says. Can I keep mine closed? Two thin bolts of red light laser Riker's eyes. From his perspective, we can see a graphic of the "playing field." A blue inverted cone that looks like an old Victrola speaker, rises sinuously up. A red disk also rises up. Etana tells Riker to concentrate on getting the disk into the cone. Riker doesn't understand how he's supposed to do it. Etana giggles some more and tells him to relax. Riker relaxes and the disk jumps into the cone, which swallows it like a snake ingesting a mouse. Riker reacts by flinching, widening his eyes, and making a guttural "oohoohuhn-uhn!" Ew. Why THE HELL do I inflict these sexual episodes on myself? I clearly have an incurable disease. "What was that?" he asks. "Your reward!" Etana tells him. Riker happily rolls over, and Etana asks if he'd like to try level two. Riker spaces out, plays, and enjoys his next orgasm. Picard logs something about their mission, which isn't at all important to this episode, so I'm just going to move on. Riker, recently back from his sexcapades on Risa, gains the Bridge and gabs with the captain about their mission. Picard tells him that they are going to rendezvous with a shuttle carrying Wesley, who is on holiday from the Academy.