Episode Report CardKeckler: C- | 3 USERS: B
YOU GRADE IT
As Troi pauses to contemplate her mess of chocolate, Riker wonders, "Doesn't it taste good?" Troi then launches into her whole ritual of eating chocolate. "First of all," she begins, waving her spoon around, "you have to spoon the fudge around the rim, leaving only the ice cream in the middle." She demonstrates. "Then," she continues, staring deep into her bowl, "you gently spoon the ice cream around the sides -- like you're sculpting it." She demonstrates this as well and we get a close-up shot of her bowl, showing us that she has both dark and white chocolate chips in there. I really don't like white "chocolate" -- I think it tastes as plastic and fake as it is. Sorry, back to Troi and her bowl of sex substitute. She now looks Riker in the eye and tells him, "Relish every bite -- make every one an event." I think they've got the mikes around her mouth turned way up because we can actually hear her saliva clicking with every word. "And then," she goes on, "with the last spoonful, close your eyes." She closes her eyes and takes what cannot possibly be her last spoonful, considering how much was just in that bowl she was just sculpting with Demi Moore and nakedness. She opens her eyes and stretches her closed mouth in a wide, disgustingly simpering smile. "I had no idea it was such a ritual," Riker comments. "Chocolate is a serious thing," Troi informs him. Riker leans in and says he brought something back from Risa, "Better than chocolate." Is it your love by Sarah McLachlan? Troi's intrigued and asks what it is. "Just a game," Riker crinkles. Troi smiles another wide, fatuous smile. Wesley beams in. He hasn't said a word and already I want him to shut up. "Chief O'Brien!" he exclaims, stepping off the transporter pad. They exchange pleasantries, and Wesley asks where his masturbating mother is. Sorry -- that was uncalled for. O'Brien tells him that the senior staff is in a meeting and Wesley is supposed toddle off to his mother's quarters and wait like a good little boy genius. Wesley is clearly put out by this news, and asks if Chief thinks it would be okay if he poked his head into the meeting to say hello. Chief acts like this is a big imposition as he comms the Bridge. Worf responds, and Chief relays Wesley's request. "I suppose that is acceptable," Worf barks back. Hee. Wesley thanks O'Brien and continues to look abashed as he leaves the transporter room. Wesley and his strudy tube suitcase arrive in a dark room. He doesn't say anything -- which I find odd -- but steps into the room. The door slides shut, making it even darker. Not even commanding the computer for lights, Wesley just peers into the darkness. Mary Sue be damned, I don't think Wesley is all that bright. The lights pop on and Beverly "I'll Leave a Lamp on for Me" Crusher runs toward her son with a "Surprise!" The greeting is echoed by the rest of the senior staff as Wesley gasps, "Mom! Hi, Mom!" in squeaky tones. Picard walks over, shakes Wesley's hand, and speaks to him in Craptin. Well, given that this is Star Trek, it's probably real Latin, but I've always been jealous of Demian's invention and I care more about citing that than I do translating the back-and-forth. Wesley responds, and Picard is dutifully impressed as Mother Crusher -- hey, that could be a new epithet! "Big Bad Mother Crusher!" -- squeals over her son's impressiveness. Troi darts over to exclaim how handsome Wesley is looking. "You really do that cadet uniform justice, Wesley," his mother agrees, which, ew. Geordi now joins in the Wesley Worshipping as he bets that Wesley is driving all the girls wild. Something Geordi has never been able to do unless they are a holodeck program. "Wesley!" Worf barks from across the room. Everyone stops talking and turns to look at him. "Tarvokian pound cake!" Worf announces, holding up a big brown loaf of something. "I made it myself!" Wesley thanks him as he strides over to receive the brown loaf. Worf quickly swivels his head to look at Riker, who is looking down and laughing. I love how Worf basically cuts through all the niceties of everyone else's greetings -- he's clearly proud of his pound cake and thinks it's the most important thing in the room. Data -- in his Big Bird mode -- asks, "Was our attempt to make you uncomfortable effective?" Wesley responds, "You bet it was -- for a second I thought I was on the wrong ship!" Because everyone wasn't fawning all over his arrival, he thought he was on the wrong ship. Shut up, Wesley. Everyone laughs. Data does his forced approximation of a mirthless laugh, which never fails to crack me up, and wonders, "Did you find our deception pleasing?" Ah, this is the Very Special Data Episode where Data learns the concept of surprise parties. Wesley assures Data that it's fun to be surprised. Data puzzles over this as Riker asks if Wesley is home to work or to play. Wesley agrees to help with the Unimportant To This Episode Mission. As everyone else starts to gather around the table, Mother Crusher asks Troi, "So what kind of game is this?" It's a sex game. You'll love it. Troi tells her to come by her quarters later.