Survivor

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After Probst's typical lie-a-thon "previously on" segment, in which I am reminded that Randy totally threw his buff into the fire after being voted out with equal parts awesomeness and bitterness, we go to the Villains Camp on Night 8 as they return from Tribal Council. Douche's ornamental feathers are ruffled because Sandra supposedly called him out at Tribal Council, and he interviews that he's "far more sensitive" than most of us mere mortals, because Douche just has to be the biggest and best at everything, even feelings. He understands that it can be hard to realize the depths of his sensitivity because there's so much more to him, like his many (and almost entirely fictional) accomplishments and his "machismo." He then runs over to Tyson to talk about how awesome he is. "There's never been somebody like me out here and there's never gonna be anybody like me again," he claims. I don't know about that, though. I think we'll see somebody like Douche again in just a few seasons when they bring him back, along with James, Amanda, Li'l Russell, and the rest of Probst's favorites, for yet another "all-star" season. "I did noble things out here, and I look ignoble!" he says. Just because one person implied that he does more delegating than actual work? I guess he'll take any opportunity to tell the camera how great he is. He continues, saying he's "the fucking man, and [he doesn't] need anybody to tell [him] that," although clearly he does, since he's taking Sandra's comments so seriously. "I'm the only person out here that will not fucking compromise!" he says, then breaks down in tears. Oh, god. Wasn't he just talking about all of his machismo? I think he meant to say "crippling insecurity."

Tyson, who is the least sensitive person in the world and has no idea what to do with this, finally gets a chance to speak. Surprisingly, he's kind and sympathetic to Douche, saying, "I understand where you're coming from, dude." As sad music plays, Douche wonders why no one ever says anything good about him. I'm thinking that this isn't about Sandra's comments after all. Somewhere in the back of his mind, Douche realizes that he looked ridiculous last season and came out here to try to change the public's perception of him and show them the real Douche, who is honorable and good at everything. I'm not sure if it occurs to him (on a conscious level, anyway) that the Douche we all saw two seasons ago is the real Douche. "Am I that bad of a person, man?" he asks. Tyson hugs him as he whines "this might be all for nothing because of that one sentence Sandra said tonight, and it's not even true," because he knows how the editors on this show work well enough to know that they can build an entire storyline and character out of one throwaway comment. Tyson offers to help Douche through this, and Douche thanks him for coming on the show again, because Douche thinks that's the only reason why Tyson is here: to help Douche. Not for a million dollars or to satisfy his own famewhore tendencies. Tyson even offers to "coach" Douche through this, although he warns that that might mean telling him things he doesn't want to hear. "Like what?" Douche whimpers, unable to imagine that there's anything he does that would be held up as cause for criticism. "Don't wear feathers in your hair at Tribal. Don't tell your stories. People don't believe your stories, they mock you. There's no reason to tell 'em. Do your Tai Chi in private where nobody can see you." Wow, this is all very good advice. And yet, based on the previews for next week's episode where we see Douche leading his entire tribe in a Tai Chi lesson, it obviously went unheeded. Douche says he can't be someone he's not, even if that person is less ridiculous. He threatens to leave the show entirely. Because quitting is definitely the right move if you want to redeem yourself. The viewing public really admires a quitter. Tyson interviews that he doesn't want Douche to go home because the Villains need his physical strength, which Tyson much admit that Douche actually possesses this time around. "I'm done," Douche sobs.

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Survivor

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