Welcome back to Top Chef: Just Desserts, where I can't help wondering, is this the longest cooking competition in history? I mean, I'm sure there were some culinary fisticuffs at Versailles over vol-au-vent or perfume fondue or something, but did those competitions FEEL as long as this one? There's no way, because I am certain that Louis XIV would have beheaded the lot of them and replaced them with a puppet show of Kirsten Dunst dancing to Siouxsie and the Banshees if it had been even half as long as this show. I think I've grown six inches and aged twenty years while these pastry cheftestants have thrown cereal on top of chocolate mousse and called it art. But as we are being frequently reminded, this is the last show before the finale. So I'm pretty sure this episode will feel like it lasts the half-life of iridium, which I understand is a very long time.
After a few heartwarming scenes of the cheftestants being whimsical and familial and friendly with each other, the chefs are herded into the kitchen and forced to fight each other in a Battle Royale (with fondant!) In the GE Monogram kitchen suite, the chefs come face to face with James Beard award winner and owner of Lucques (and a bunch of other brand-building-yet-ultimately-not-as-good restaurants), Suzanne Goin. Suzanne stands next to Gail who is smiling like she ate a glacé canary as she tells the four remaining chefs that they are going "straight to the finals," which we all know is a complete fabrication, but for some reason the contestants all believe. Gail tells them that they are "going international," which Orlando thinks mean grab your passport, but actually sounds like an awkward euphemism my grandma (well not my grandma, but someone's grandma) would use for interracial dating. Old people, man. Then a cart is wheeled out filled with a veritable Model United Nation of flags and Orlando sadly puts his passport back in his pocket. Gail tells Chris to pick a country. He picks France (snooze), Orlando picks Spain, Matt Italy and Sally opts for Cuba because she spent a summer working the It's a Small World ride at the Magic Kingdom which is in Florida and thus qualifies her to make an arroz con frijoles