Top Chef Just Desserts

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Heather (the one without the head bandage) made her own wedding cake because she didn't want any inferior pastry chef ruining her day with subpar fondant. Suddenly time is up and very few people have completed cakes to show Gail. Malika is, of course, one of the people who has not completed her cake. Heather H. steps into bitchy judge mode (styling herself after Gail on Top Chef, natch) and dismisses everyone's cakes as too homey, too green, too grocery story-ish. Then the judges come in to do it themselves.

JUDGMENT TIME: Head Bandage Heather has a simple white cake with vanilla simple syrup and Nutella buttercream (holy hockey, I did not know such wonders existed) wrapped in white fondant with little snowflakes. Eric's cake has pistachio buttercream and apricot brandy. Zac wanted to deep-fry his wedding cake, which sounds like heaven on a plate, but settled for toasted meringue with jam and dark chocolate shards. Malika is standing next to her cake when the earthquake hits. It was a very isolated and localized earthquake that just took out a quarter of her already tragic wedding cake. Plate tectonics in Southern California are a real bitch. The cake chunks tumble onto the table while Malika just stands by and cries. George Clooney is already organizing a telethon.

Ericka has made a mocha explosion with Kahlua and gianduia buttercream. Danielle's green monster is cream cheese, lemon, strawberry and pistachio. Seth claims his jewel-like cake is an "engagement cake" with caramel chocolate mousse, olive oil dust, absinthe honey, and marsala apricot jam. I hope Cake Yoda calls him on his bullshit by stealing his droid or slamming his head into the table. Eric made an ugly cake with uneven layers. Yigit made a passion fruit cream while Heather H. made a "summery" citrus feeling with her cake. Morgan made an Italian cream cake with toasted pecans which he claims is very Southern, but he says that about everything.

Malika is crying like a girl Seth when the judges come to slap her senseless. Yoda points out that it is just a fucking cake and at that, Malika has the good sense to stop crying and serve up some slices. They think it is pretty tasty considering it looks like Yeti poop at this point. Cake Yoda serves up her assessment: Seth cannot win if Seth does not try, Malika's tears made it too salty, and then to Eric, without even layers a cake can not become a Jedi. Eric claims this assessment of his cake cutting skills is hands down the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened in his life ever. Wow. He must have a really easy life if this is the most embarrassing thing ever. His life must be a real, ahem, cake walk. The winners? Erika, Morgan, and Heather H. But which would Cake Yoda use for her own wedding if she ever gets Stan at the nursing home to man up and put a ring on it? Erika! That's back-to-back wins for Erika and Heather H. is getting VERY ANGRY. You wouldn't like her when she's angry.

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Top Chef Just Desserts

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