Welcome to the wild world of sugar where fondant reigns supreme, the caramel is always smooth, the chocolate is even-tempered and nobody calls anyone a marshmallow and survives. Top Chef is testing our sugar tolerance and raising our blood sugar one competition at a time. The contestants? A veritable Whitman's Sampler of arrogance, charm, and quirkiness. The host? Gail Simmons ascends from wingman to hostess with the mostest Hostess cupcakes. The judges? Johnny Iuzzini, Elvis impersonator by day self-professed pastry rebel (*gag *) at night. Joining him at judges' table is Dannielle Kyrillos who once started a business with "candy" in the title, thus qualifing her to judge people who make candy. Rounding out the Panel of Judgment is Hubert Keller known as much for his impenetrable French accent as his failed attempts to take the crown of Top Chef Master. Where he has failed he will make sure all others fail, too. Except for one who will rise like meringue to take the crown of Top Chef, but just in the dessert category and we all know pastry doesn't count anyway.
Let's meet the contenders vying for the crown: Seth Caro was the original pastry chef at the original Top Chef's original restaurant. He thinks this means something, but really he's just the legacy student they HAD to let into school. Joining him is Tania Peterson who is a Jewish atheist artist who will kick your ass with her rebellious frosting or something. Scary! Erika is concerned about her hair, but not her pastry skills and Heather giggles while talking about how intimidating she is, which is just more confusing then intimidating, unless confusion intimidates you.
A double decker bus pulls up at the airport and the producers force the pastry chefs to ride on the top and look like yokels and risk sun exposure and mussed up hair dos. Chef Zac Young is extremely gay and promises to cut you with his flavor, which is an odd thing to say. Like he's a pacifist pretending to be tough. This is similar to how my Quaker grandma used to make my brother pretend his gun shot out Band Aids. It's well intentioned but also stupid. Tim Nugent (not ever likely to be confused with Ted Nugent) is also gay and prefers to be called the Snow Queen because he makes ice cream and has a Narnia fixation. Then we get a flood of people they don't bother introducing until we get to the Texan dad with a love for rock climbing and his girlfriend. Also, pastry.
The bus has parked, but they don't let any of the chefs off and instead leave them baking in the sun until they are the perfect brown of toasted coconut. That's when Gail Simmons gets on board. It was her stop, apparently. Accompanying Gail's initial appearance on camera, we also get the first round of Moral Support and Positive Affirmation for Gail. One of the contestants claims to have a schoolboy crush on her and finds it hard to even look at her because she is so beautiful. This is baloney. But it must be done because after years of sitting next to Padma Freaking Lakshmi, Gail has a wee bit of an inferiority complex. And who can blame her? There is no girl on earth save for another supermodel who wouldn't have a complex. So Gail needs a little encouragement, some pats on the head, and pinches on the ass. Just gentle ones, though, nothing that would bruise.